I'm so sorry Miram. 😭 I suffered the same. I had no mother, as far as I was concerned. She was never even a friend or confidant. I understand exactly what you're saying. It came to the point that I could not allow her to cause me suffering anymore...to play her head games. Her words could cut like a knife, so deeply. And I thought to myself, "Lady, you just said the wrong thing." I vowed that day that I would leave home and I did a little later. That was after I had graduated high school. Of course dad wanted us to be a family. I wasn't mean to her and I talked kindly to her, but I had to stay my distance because she had never changed. She was always about trying to put me on guilt trips for every little thing. A mother doesn't treat a daughter like that. She was making me physically ill and to keep my sanity and keep her from ruining my health, it was necessary to cut her completely out of my life. Only then could I have freedom and peace of mind. I wasn't going to allow her to do that for the rest of my life. I wrote a letter to her and I told her I never want to see her again and if she ever tried to come to my house and I knew it, I would take off and not even be home if she came to my door. You teach people how you wish to be treated and that should always be with respect, when you've done nothing wrong. I put up with her criticism and distrust from the very beginning, all through school. We're not supposed to stay with our abuser. That's like saying it's okay to mistreat me. I felt like a billion tons were lifted off my shoulder when I got rid of her. She knew what she was doing. It was no mistake. I abandoned her for 3 years just like she abandoned me all my life and was never there for me as a kid or adult. Then Dad got sick with cancer and was in the hospital and I went to see him and she was there of course. Well guess what. She understood finally that I wouldn't put up with her games and she never treated me like that again. I still didn't like her though. Just because somebody has the title of mom or mother, doesn't mean they are one or that they have the right to be abusive. You wouldn't let a friend do that to you so why would you let your mother do that, is always what ran through my mind. She learned her lesson. I loved her, but I didn't like her at all. She would never let me get close. Never held me. Never told me she loves me. You can love someone but you know what? Just because they are called your mother, doesn't mean they are. A title doesn't make someone be special. I believe people have to love themselves enough to get away from their abuser no matter who they are. It's not okay. It leaves scars. And just because it still hurts, doesn't mean you have not forgiven them. It just means it left an indelible mark on your soul and spirit. That's why it still hurts, to think one of your own flesh and blood could do that to you. Yes, you understand exactly how badly that child inside was damaged. It's an awfully hard thing to lose what could have been a mom to you, that you needed so badly, but was never there. Or to feel you never had one.
I'm deeply sorry you too, have suffered this pain. I could not even shed a tear at her funeral because I didn't know her. I didn't have a mom so I didn't know her. You can't cry for someone you didn't know or have in your life. The only time I can shed a tear about that is when I think of how much I missed out on and not having a mom and how I wish I had had one. That does make me cry. So many times I wanted to hold her and have her hold me but know that was never there. You can't miss a mom you never had. But you can still hurt. And the sad thing is, you have to make your own closure. I don't hate her or feel bad about her today. I just sure wish I had had a mom cuz I wanted one so badly. I had nobody. I wish I had a mom today.
I'm sorry this was so long.
