Its all hit me today......

We lost my mum in law a week today.
I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. Her daughter left the room for 5 minutes and thats when mum chose to let go.
Her daughter (and her daughters,) myself and my husband were at the house. Within and hour and a half, the district nurse had been to pronounce her dead and the funeral director had taken her from the house........and she'd gone.
The next morning, the eldest daughter arrived from the US. She hadn't arrived in time to see mum. Tuesday we all spent together sharing memories. Hubs and I returned to work Wednesday as theres not a lot we can do at this point. Hubs went around to mums house on Thursday evening and was shocked to see his sisters have already stripped half the house. But Saturday, very little was left, and they have got rid of all mums clothes, jewellery, niknaks....
Also we lost Dad 4 years ago and Mum refused to part with any of his things. Out of respect, we didn't take anything. My daughter wanted some of grandads shirts to make memory cushions, but mum said she wasnt ready to part with them. She eventually let my girl take 2 shirts, but she wanted more really to make cushions for all the cousins.
Hubs sisters have got rid of all Dads things too.
Im so upset, appaulled actually they got rid of things so quickly. My daughter is in the army, and requested I grab a few shirts, and a couple if things she had gifted her grandparents. All gone. One was a cushion she'd had made for grandad. When i asked my sister in law about it yesterday, I told her how upset L will be abd she said 'oh well, the other grandkids didn't get anything, right?' ' they wete just as special to them you know'.
I can't believe she has been so cold. That house was never her home, whereas hubs and other sister did live there before they married. She's just steamrolled in and make all the decisions....but her sister let her....hubs wasnt informed this was the plan of action.
This morning, ive been visiting the local charity shops enquiring about the cushion. No joy. One shop remembered the sisters and it seems they went in again today after me coz oldest sis has rang hubs saying the chatity shop told her i'd been in. She said...'i feel terrible now'....but clearly not terrible enought to call me and apologise. Im so sad coz my daughter is heartbroken. We could really have taken all that stuff at anytime over the last 8 months since Mum has been bedbound, but we respected her wishes, and in the end, we wern't given the chance.
Im so angry and upset that less than a week after Mum died, its almost like she never exsisted. Right now.....I dont think I can face my sister in law....coz i wont be able to be civil.....and quite frankly, i really want to give her a feckin slap....

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WillaKissing · 56-60, M

My father died four years before my mother's death. When my mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She immediately contacted me and my siblings to come to her and our late father's home for her post death wishes.

Mom had me the oldest as the estate trustee and my siblings to all walk through her home with her deciding on who got what when she passed. She had me write it all down and once we all agreed on what went to whom. She made each of us to sign and to date the papers and gave that to her estate attorney in case her last wishes were disputed. I and the siblings were given copies. We all followed it post our mother's passing. Only my younger brother tried to buck the signed and dated papers, and I quickly said no, and we will follow these, or we can let the court and attorney to handle it of course all at your expense in the end as the executor I have that right. He shut up and followed the papers.

I learned then and there how wise my mother was for only having a high school education and being a housewife, she knew her offspring and how to still mother them post her passing.

I have done this with my son and daughter for my estate but post my son's passing/death my daughter gets the entire lot now. And I highly suggest this difficult task for you all while we still are healthy and breathing. It simplifies the entire post death process for the survivors.

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@WillaKissing your mum was very forward thinking.

The point im making is how insensitive they have been throwing certain things away. Personalised 'grandma, grandad' gifts, obviously from one of the grandkids. They knew it wasnt from their kids, so it must have been from ours. So....why couldnt thay just have left it aside for a few days to give us chance to ask the kids if they wanted it? Did it really have to go straight away?? Of course it didnt.
I'm not bothered by anything they've kept for themselves, just pissed off things my kids would have wanted have been thrown or donated and they didnt consider how they would feel.
They have even thrown away crosstitch gifts I made them!
I hope mother haunts them!

akindheart · 61-69, F

@WillaKissing that was very smart. my mother cut me and one of my 4 brothers out of her will. but i had to clean up the mess. there was not a lot to split and i got paid for being the administrix ...about 2400.00. we auctioned everything off.

WillaKissing · 56-60, M

@RubySoo Thank you yes, my mother was extremely forward thinking and a brilliant woman.

I know/knew exactly what you were saying, and again your sister in-law was extremely callous and heartless.

My response was an example of how best to avoid that tragedy your sister in-law created.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

It was wrong of them to do that. Yet try to think of that as things. Things can't replace the memories, even though they can help as reminders.

There's so many things that my own siblings took when our mom passed away. Yet they can't take away the memories.

Your parents will always live on in your memories and those they have influenced.

I believe that is the purpose of days like memorial day. Sadly not everyone gets that day off. So you have to make your own day. It helps if there's some meaning in the day you pick special to your loved ones.🤗

LadyGrace ·

Oh this is really devastating for your family. Even for us hearers, and we're not even part of the family! This is absolutely atrocious and so insensitive. My heart goes out to you all that got left out. It is just beyond words. I'm so sorry this happened. It seems like something could be done but I sure don't know what. That was just so wrong. My deepest condolences Ruby, to all who got left out. How shameful of them. I would be livid. It's just the point of it. They didn't have to be so selfish and hog at all. Not even thinking of one other person.

meggie · F

You've done only good caring for her for a long time. They just want the house cleared for a quick sale so they can grab the proceeds of that. I feel for you and your immediate family. What they did was totally disrespectful and unkind. They really are like wild animals grabbing like that. Some people see death as a free for all sadly. When a lovely neighbour died recently, the old windbag across the road banged on the door the next say asking for a mirror she'd always liked. I'm sorry you were treated this way and hope they leave you alone after the funeral. X

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@meggie the reason they've done it so quick is because she lives in the US, so can't stay here indefinately...she just wants to get as much done as she can while shes here. I get that.....but sge could have given us all a few days to get our heads around things.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

Death brings out the worst in people. My dad’s death made a demon out of everyone but we had the opposite issue - no one wanted to deal with his things at all!
It could get worse before it gets better. Hang in there. Also only the executor should be in charge of her things. Who’s executor? They are responsible for distribution of belongings and assets.

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@DoubleRings Well, we are assuming its the solicitor......and did tell the girls they shouldn't have touched anything.....but as I said...they went ahead anyway.
All 3 of them are the only beneficiaries.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@RubySoo they can be beneficiaries but they still have no right to take what they want. Essentially it’s stealing. It’s not theirs! It belongs to the estate until the executor says it’s theirs. If someone steals items of value then then should receive less from any sale of assets to be liquidated. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d have your hubby talk to the executor if he’s one of the three beneficiaries. All assets and belongings should be frozen on the day of death.

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@DoubleRings they havent taken stuff for their own means.....they have just got rid of 'stuff' . Thats how they see it. But that 'stuff' was mums life. And they have just dissed it in my book.

WillaKissing · 56-60, M

That was very cold and wrong of your sister-in-law. A family meeting should have been held first with all the siblings present before thing were touched.

I am so sorry dear.

Casheyane · 31-35, F

What is stopping you from actually slapping her?

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@Casheyane coz I am clearly a better, more respectful person.
And, I dont want to cause any more agro for my husband than is necessary. Hiw will me falling out with his sister help the family going forward??

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