Yesterday in my dream he came again

That boyfriend I've lost to cancer 11 years ago. It's been a long time, yet he appeared. He was dark, weak in an armour of strength and depressed, just like how I remember of him the years we've spent together.
Well, no, he wasn't always like that. But the dark was a big part of him.
I'd like to let go of these blaming. Waking up, I thought, huh how much he sucked off of me, how much I was called to cater to his darkness and how difficult was it for me to move on and out that black hole. Obviously it was in me too, as I remember, the first time I had met him, I saw a dark cloud around him that made him totally exciting and desirable to me. Was it a vampires diaries those days back then huh ?
Well I know what he did for me. He did a ton of miracles and good things the five years we spent together. He did so much. But in the cost of ripping me off of any kind of power I might be having.

I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s and a thing that attracted him to me was my childish attitude and he did all he could to keep me locked in that.
I grew exponentially next to him.
He was the one who encouraged me to enter the fine arts. He willingly moved city with me so I could frequent the preparatory courses for the exams, which took a whole year. It felt like a Spring.

But somehow, death was always there, and maybe it is always there, because there's no Life without it.

I wrote a poem about the eclipse a couple of days ago. I wrote,

Life, leave some Space Empty
Because only like that, Death eclipses

amongst a few other lines.

I'm not saddened anymore, it's been a while and I truly gave myself all the chances to mourn and heal.

But I still cannot forget his darkness in my nowness and its visit in my dream.

I would like to be able to contact him, in my dreams but without that dark cloud, but how ... ?