yesterday was her birthday but i have no sense of time and didn't notice till 1:30 this morning. and yesterday was a day of dread for many of us, anyhow, and it's a very distracting feeling. and we were both not great about birthdays and junk. maybe it's a dark thought but i'm grateful she doesn't have to worry about these things any longer- the dread i mean.
it's my younger brothers birthday today. we have almost no relationship
when my mom wasn't answering her phone i asked him to check on her because i had a flat tire. he found her body. my roommates mom offered to take me to check on her the night before but i figured her charger broke or something and she'd reach back out. the next morning she still wasnt answering. i didn't think he'd find her. i didn't think she died. i should have found her. it would have been best for her and for me and for him
probably a hundred times the week leading to her sudden death i kept thinking to reach out to her. i saw her a week before she died.. well i went to her house. she said shed be in bed. i thought to go up and check on her but i didnt. it was late but it was weird shed be in bed but i brushed it off. if i went upstairs maybe id seen she was sick.
if i texted her just once that week like i thought to over and over again something would have gone differently.
he found her on my dads birthday. so my dad thought i was calling to wish him a happy birthday. but i was calling because i sent my younger brother to find our moms rotting body.
i want to apologize to him. i did the day it happened but it's not enough. but his fiance says he never talks about it and i don't want to force him to think about it
in a few hours ill reach out to him. for his birthday.
