a year ago, when my mom died, my cousin kept offering to come over and be with me

and i was like, you really dont have to if you dont want to. but they kept insisting. so i was like, okay, do you want to stay over and do this and that? and they were like "if you want". i felt like the response was weird but a few weeks prior my cousin was very insistent that they dont understand subtext and if i want to say something i have to say it directly because they wont understand otherwise. so, i was under the impression that if I need to say things directly as I mean them, then she will too, and there's no reason to read into the expression 'if you want'

well at one point they got a weirdly timed text from their boyfriend freaking out and panicing and i had to drive my cousin home right away. i felt really off about it. the next day she said he had gotten overstimulated because she didnt trim the cats nails and they got in a fight or something

then she started telling me again shes available for me 24/7 and will come over whenever i need and blah blah blah

so i was like okay.. she wouldnt say it if she didnt mean it. and i asked her to stay the night and we could have soup and bread and watch movies. and then as the first movie ended, she texted someone, seconds later she gets a call from her boyfriend. "omg what happened?" "wow omg" "calm down whats going on?" but the tone of her voice didnt really align with the things she said. sounded like someone pretending to be concerned

she gets off the phone and asks if i could hear him on the other end and i said no. and she said there was an emergency and she needed to leave. she insisted she pay for an uber but i was like.. "well if its an emergency i should just take you? instead of you waiting for an uber and paying for it? you live literally five minutes away." i think she felt bad about faking an emergency and didnt want me to drive her home because of that

i for real wouldnt have asked her to hang out with me if she didnt keep offering 😐 if she had just offered once or twice i would have thought she was just doing it to be nice because 'its the right thing to say'. but she offered so many times out of the blue so i thought she meant it

i stopped engaging in conversation for a few months after that. we're okay now. ultimately i expected it. my bestie of 10 years also "abandoned" me the night my mom died but in all fairness to her, our friendship had been becoming thin for months prior. and days before my mom died i had made plans to move out and i hadnt told her yet, so i worried about if she did try to comfort me, because I had a "secret"

it just hurt because i never would have done that to them

anyway the moral of this story is you dont realize how many people in your life you lose when you lose someone in your life

and my cousin having soup came up in my snap memories today so.. the thought came up