Life is so fleeting….
So many thoughts, so little energy….
Someone died today. I had really admired her and wanted to be friends. I had really enjoyed working with her and I had every intention of hanging out with her and building a great friendship after we quit working together. But then I was a busy new mom….then Covid struck….and then I just felt awkward after so much time had passed. Deep down once in a while I’d still think about getting together with her some time. When you put things off for later, you often never get to them at all. She was truly such an amazing person. We had so much in common. I think her death is really hitting me hard in a vulnerable spot because she and I shared so many things in common. Her death was such a freak accident. She simply slipped and fell at work. Hit her head…..and now she’s gone. Just like that. You truly never know. One second your life is sunshine and rainbows, or maybe it’s doom and gloom. Whatever it is, it IS. And then another second, it’s over. No second chances. No time to say goodbyes or finish anything. Everything….done….
I’ve had a bit of a fear of death for a bit now that I haven’t spoken of or faced much. I keep worrying I won’t live to see my daughter grow up. The idea of her being without me kills me. I hope I live a looong life with her. I keep worrying that my dad is going to pass. He’s in his 80’s now and having more health problems lately. He’s basically my anchor and I dread the day he’s no longer here with me. Occasionally I worry my husband is going to die and I’m going to be saddled with all of his responsibilities and I wouldn’t know how to manage it all.
My mother’s death really messed with me. It left me with this tendency to disconnect. I find it so hard to connect anymore. Everyone always dies or leaves somehow. The people who manage to make me feel connected are so rare….
Anyway, I’m going to pass out now. These meds have been making me incredibly sleepy and dizzy.
I’ve had my quick moment to dwell. Tomorrow I’ll focus on life and the living. Sorry this is so poorly written and probably doesn’t make much sense. I’m pretty out of it.
Night…
Someone died today. I had really admired her and wanted to be friends. I had really enjoyed working with her and I had every intention of hanging out with her and building a great friendship after we quit working together. But then I was a busy new mom….then Covid struck….and then I just felt awkward after so much time had passed. Deep down once in a while I’d still think about getting together with her some time. When you put things off for later, you often never get to them at all. She was truly such an amazing person. We had so much in common. I think her death is really hitting me hard in a vulnerable spot because she and I shared so many things in common. Her death was such a freak accident. She simply slipped and fell at work. Hit her head…..and now she’s gone. Just like that. You truly never know. One second your life is sunshine and rainbows, or maybe it’s doom and gloom. Whatever it is, it IS. And then another second, it’s over. No second chances. No time to say goodbyes or finish anything. Everything….done….
I’ve had a bit of a fear of death for a bit now that I haven’t spoken of or faced much. I keep worrying I won’t live to see my daughter grow up. The idea of her being without me kills me. I hope I live a looong life with her. I keep worrying that my dad is going to pass. He’s in his 80’s now and having more health problems lately. He’s basically my anchor and I dread the day he’s no longer here with me. Occasionally I worry my husband is going to die and I’m going to be saddled with all of his responsibilities and I wouldn’t know how to manage it all.
My mother’s death really messed with me. It left me with this tendency to disconnect. I find it so hard to connect anymore. Everyone always dies or leaves somehow. The people who manage to make me feel connected are so rare….
Anyway, I’m going to pass out now. These meds have been making me incredibly sleepy and dizzy.
I’ve had my quick moment to dwell. Tomorrow I’ll focus on life and the living. Sorry this is so poorly written and probably doesn’t make much sense. I’m pretty out of it.
Night…
36-40, F
