I Have a Confession

I know it makes no sense to say, but I cannot stand who I am. I have engaged in self-loathing and self-doubt for my whole adult life, as far back as I can remember. I see fear, weakness, moral timidity, and dishonesty when I look in the mirror. I can rationalize that I can't be as bad as all that, but beyond that moment of rationalization, I am emotional angered by myself all over again. I can't really understand it, and don't know how to get over it.

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sariberry

I feel like that quite a bit myself. The funny thing is outwardly, I see myself as a genuinely good person. In a heartbeat, I will help anyone in need, any time, without question. I try to do no harm in the world. I try to treat those around me with respect. Inwardly, I feel empty and hollow. I sometimes tell lies without even thinking twice about it. Not lies to hurt anyone, but silly lies... like about my education, what I did over the weekend (which was probably nothing), how cultured I may or may not be, etc. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and feel bad about it. I'm trapped in a neverending cycle of apathy and self-loathing. I consider myself a normal person though, so am I normal or do I need help? Is the fact that we have to even ask that question a sign that yes, help is needed? A person can go crazy thinking all of this, so then we put our minds to things more pleasant, but this darkness is always there in the background. Ugh... maybe it's just life and it is what it is. I don't know. At least you're not alone. :)

hylierandom

Abuse casts a long shadow.

As far as hating yourself, you have to start praising yourself, and not beating yourself up for mistakes. This feels very wrong at first.

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