I Have a Confession

It was completely against my character and moral to have made out with my friend and not tell my boyfriend until a week later. I understand why my boyfriend doesn't ever want me to see or talk to him again, because he believes that it will only happen again. He can't live that way, not being able to trust me again. That is why I am not that way. That is why I've never been that way. I'm one of the most trusting and honest people anyone will ever meet, which is why it was so hard for me to live with what I did. It had to come out into the open because I wasn't able to keep the weight on my shoulders. It has come down to me having to make a choice, and I am horrible at making choices, so I usually try to run from them. My boyfriend wants me to cut contact with someone I've known half my life, because I made one mistake...but he wants me to cut it for the reason that if I keep talking to this person it will never be just a friendship, and it will ruin the relationship more than it already has. But if I do, then I lose this person forever. If I don't, I lose a man who does love me, even though he shows it in weird subtle ways. He hates cliches, so he doesn't like to do traditional over done stuff. He doesn't like spending money on me either, because he's naturally frugel. He told me that he would pay the apartment's lease in full if I don't cut off contact, and leave me alone there while we try to find different places to live. All of this has gone way too fast. It is so sudden and so shocking that I would have to scramble to get my act together and find a place. I've never lived on my own before, and it would be experience that I need...but I'm not even sure if I could get a place with my credit. Last I checked, I have little or no credit to my name. I'm at child status when it comes to that, at age 31 going on 32. I need time to think, but I'm not being given that. I need space, but it could kill the relationship. And I'm afraid when all of this is done that I'll end up alone...and scared. I'm already scared, and don't know what to do. I can't go back to live with my mom. I already know that story. I just can't and won't.

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UnexpressedFeelings

So he is going to pay the lease in full and him move out to find a new place? Or him leave till you are out? Now he is telling you to cut all contact, That's because he feels threatened and is not confident in himself, So he is telling that you have to do this if you hope to keep your relationship going even though it is far beyond repair. He does not trust you nor will he ever if he is telling you to cut all contact in order to stay with him. Yet you have told me that you want out but that you are too afraid to leave because he is all you know. As I've told you that is not a boyfriend that is a jailer to an invisible prison of your mind. I've told you that it WILL come down to confrontation in order for you to be free to be your own person. Keep that in mind or you WILL forever be under his thumb.

PoisonLace · 41-45, F

At this point I am trying to look at the big picture. My emotions keep getting in the way, and I'm not thinking clearly. I need air, but am not getting it.

PoisonLace · 41-45, F

It's been over a year since all of this, and I know you're not on here anymore. But I should just say this: Nothing has really changed or gone forward in my life, and it won't until I come to a resolution in my life. I have suppressed a lot of emotions and fear and regret and bundled up so much that pain is all I feel anymore. But I keep moving forward no matter what, because it's not the end of the world, and I still want to make a better life for myself. And I kind of understand things a little better now, but not sure if things will ever be the same. Sometimes I wish that I could have just kept a friendship with you, because it's better than having made a mess out of my current situation. But instead we made the decision to act on impulse from all the emotions we had rekindled from a long time ago. I'm sorry, I really really am. I know you'll never read this, but if there's a chance that you ever do, even if it's in the far future, please find it in your heart to forgive me for being so stubborn. I miss the laughter...and I'm sorry we can't share that anymore.

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