If you knew for certain you would never be happy,

@OogieBoogie I realize that...it would probably sound more reasonable if you'd been depressed to some degree for just under 50 years.....I guess it's kind of like asking about what you would do with three wishes. You know you'd never get them.

@originnone ahh. Ok.
But if I'd been depressed for 50 years I'd be looking into that instead 🤷

@OogieBoogie touche'. I have, but it's a great response. You give those a lot.

@originnone I get that it all seems too much sometimes.
And Im no stranger to wanting it all to end .

But....sometimes it's how you look at it🤷

I mean, can you walk, talk, think, eat for yourself ?
If you can, these are good things .

Sometimes we don't see what we do have coz other things are making us so unhappy 🫤

@OogieBoogie Yeah....my wife can't do all those things, and I would honestly and with great joy give up my ability to do them if she could have them back.

@originnone So, you would swap her immobility for yours?

What's the point of that ?
It's also an impossible wish .

I get you are hurting....I really really do .

But imagine life without her ?
Without your reason to get up every day.?

You have purpose.
You have something that gives your life and soul meaning .
It may not be what you want, or what you had .... but it is something.

Believe me man, sometimes what we have hurts ...and is fucking hard.
And it pushes us beyond what we feel we can bear.

But...

Would you rather be alone with your depression, with no purpose, and no reason to live?

@OogieBoogie Everything in your post is true. In fact, I've made those very points to my therapist may times. I do have purpose. I do have meaning. I just want out.

@originnone oh honey, you must be wrung dry🥺
Do you get no down time? No time away from being a carer?

@OogieBoogie not much. I'm up with her about every hour due to the incontinence. We're getting some urology tests in July. Not getting a break at night is really tough. I had a caregiver coming four times a week for four hours, but she and my wife don't like each other. She's really good medically, so I haven't made the change at this point, but I reduced her hours because I'm not getting the respite care I was hoping for.

It's kind of you to ask.

@originnone I kinda get the vibe you are so worn down you are in a spiral.😞

Im gonna say something horrible, that you won't want to hear ...but it's true.

YOU DESERVE TIME TO YOURSELF EVEN IF SHE IS TERMINALLY ILL.

OK, she doesn't like the carer -.swap her for another one and if you can't ...you, (and your wife) are just going to suck up what help you do have .
Some people never get help - she should be grateful she got it

( Yes I'm being brutal I know . Been there, done that and wished someone had sat me down and told me this )
And I realise every part of you is hating what I'm saying because you've lost even the want or the knowledge of how to look after yourself.

Yes, I realize you want to make her as comfortable as possible, and that it's a raw deal she's this way.
But a relationship is give and take.

It's unfair to ask you to give up the tiny amount of free time you get, just coz she doesn't like the nurse.

If you break...and you're getting close to it, she won't have you at all.

Don't let your feelings of guilt stop you from looking after yourself.

You have that basic humanitarian right to 'leisure'. To feel safe within your own life.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, you have lost your belief in your right to yourself.
And you are making self destructive decisions.

There is NO LOGIC to getting rid of a good carer. They are hard to find, and you both are lucky to have gotten a good one in the first place.

I get your wife is suffering, and is angry and hurt and sad.... and it never stops.

But it's still not a reason to turn away help that YOU BOTH NEED.

That nurse isn't just there for her, she's there for you too.
And her need DOES NOT CANCEL OUT YOURS.

But you need an advocate or someone to remind you that both of you need help and you are an equal valued HALF of that partnership.

For better or worse dude .
That goes both ways .

If you don't believe in yourself, whether she lives or dies, you really will have nothing.

And I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that the only one to blame for that is you.

I know .
I spent a brutal 2 or more years learning that willingly gave up my identity for others.

And once you give it up ...it's fucking hard to find again .

Everyone is worthy of basic rights and self and boundaries...even if it doesn't make others happy , or it's not what they want .

It's a hard truth we give up our freedom believing it's the right thing .....when it's not.
💜

Ok.
I've finished ranting at you.
I feel for you , I really do.

But you have to feel for you too.
And DO for you too.

@OogieBoogie I appreciate your honesty. I have to digest it all....Again, I appreciate it.

@originnone You've just gotten lost in being all carer and no 'insert your name here'