Do you ever feel so low about your life?

That most people around you are getting jobs, podcasts, going away/traveling, getting a new home, a new puppy, dating, having kids etc.

And what am I doing? Trying to read self help books every week on just how to alter myself, change myself, better myself. (From severe decades of trauma).
Still feeling panicked about dating, about certain jobs, and even about simply meeting up with a friend from many years ago. People say just say to guys, I do have anxiety but I accept myself...but I know they can choose so many others who don't have my issues. And realistically, do I think they'd choose a person with chronic PTSD over a confident woman? No.

It can feel crippling watching everyone around you experience joy, love and life.. while you are stuck for years, drowning.
Have you felt that?

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JoyfulSilence · 51-55, M

When I drive around the countrysidr and see all the nice houses in semi-rural areas with nice yards and patio furniture and grills, and gardens and pools, I wish I would have found a career in an area like that (yet much cheaper, too).

I miss things like going to my grandparents' lovely forested yard for picnics or to sit on their outdoor swing-couch or in their gazebo. Or sitting on soft cushioned reclining deck chairs on the front porch of the old house I grew up in.

I have lived in apartments my whole adult life. I always had tiny balconies open to the weather. I bought chairs and a table and used them a few times and then left them out. They got covered with dirt and mold and rust, so I tossed them. My biggest problem, to be honest, is I prefer to be underdressed and bug-free and not sweat at home, and hated having to dress in public clothes to sit outside! And endure Southern heat and mosquitoes.

Now, my current complex has a grill area and a gazebo, and a pool, but I am too lazy to walk over, or carry over pots and plates and food! And the pool is full of annoying kids.

I am sort of annoyed by all this because financially I could afford all these niceties if only I lived in a less expensive, less dense area. But I work in a megalopolis and need to be close. The areas I would like to live at are too far to commute, at least with my sanity preserved.

ArishMell · 70-79, M

@JoyfulSilence I have friends who live in villages someone from a large town might regard as bucolic idylls; and I used to be rather jealous of them.

Then one told me one day, "[This village] is no place to grow old."

No shops apart from a farm shop (expensive and of limited range), no Post Office, no public transport... The nearest towns with any of the shops, services and facilities we all rely on are all several miles' drives away for them. The village does have a thriving community but I am not sure if they are very active in it.

She and her husband have lived there since, probably, their early-thirties when both were in well-paid professions but had commuting round-trips of some thirty miles each day.

Later I realised I was less jealous of their location, than of their ability to obtain that. They are highly-educated, they had good salaries, and as a couple could pool resources. They also bought their home fairly cheaply as it was in poor condition - but that meant spending much money to refurbish it.

While I, with a very modest education and life of semi-skilled "shop-floor" employment, now find myself in a home of my own, paid off, in a reasonable suburban area; convenience shops nearby, the town centre a couple of miles away by frequent buses or a three-quarter hour walk. And much of the rest of the country quite readily accessible, by car or entirely by public transport.

Not entirely ideal as I can't park my car on my own front drive - most of us in our street have to gamble on finding roadside parking spaces - but otherwise, who is the better off? My wealthy (by my standards) married friends in roomy cottages in rural villages, or me in my suburban, 2-up-2-down, terraced bachelor pad with tiny front garden and modest back garden?

Only, I too can't be nude in my own back garden!

JoyfulSilence · 51-55, M

@ArishMell

Oh, I do not want to live in a crumbling rural village with no amenities. I am thinking more of a more modern well-planned affluent exurban area that is less congested and buildings are newer.

My current area is a mix of old and new and is OK, yet more congested. I could probably buy a small house with a yard. But nothing is cheap! And I still must commute since I do not want to live where I work (low class, dirty, high crime area). I used to take a train into the big city to the suburbs, so now I drive. Traffic is bad.

Yet I can retire in 5 years and then move anywhere I want, and can afford! I am still not sure where, though.

ArishMell · 70-79, M

@JoyfulSilence I wouldn't say my friends' village is at all crumbling but like many rural areas, and even some nearer to towns, it has steadily lost services and amenities over the years. House prices in places like theirs are steep as well.