I wish I didn't feel like I had to come back here anonymously to be included.

I get why people got sick of me, but then again, a lot of you have accepted me and been good to me despite my lows.

So if I delete this account, I'm losing what I've built with people who saw me at my worst and didn't declare me worthless. That's the real stuff. That's what is important.

It is interesting how without really hiding, people who won't talk to me as Fox will talk to me as someone else. But are those the kind of people I want to interact with? Won't they just ghost me again if I show any signs of being imperfect?

But I also don't want to be seen as just my struggles anymore. I want to be included in the laughter and community again.

That's the story of my life online and irl, wanting to be silly with people of all kinds, but they've already labeled me and tossed me aside.

I know I have a really big heart, that's why things hurt so much. And my range of emotion and thought comes from a place of intelligence and deep thought. I'm not ashamed of myself. But I hate that's the reason I'm left out.

OlderSometimesWiser · F

You know I love you but when I see these posts, it’s starting to remind me of a dog chasing its tail around and around and getting nowhere. Delete this account, go anonymous, find temporary satisfaction but then you’re back to where you started because sooner or later your “voice” is going to shine through and people will realize who you are. Then the same people who liked you will stick by you and those who don’t will fade away.

I wish you’d stop putting so much weight on who does and doesn’t accept you, just do your thing and let the chips fall where they may. There will always be someone around to converse with- I certainly have no intention of walking away from you- but you’re taking this place way too seriously. It’s a website on the internet, not some torture chamber where you’re constantly being tried and convicted. And I’m saying this as someone who at this point in my life is using SW as a primary form of connecting with others. But it’s important to keep things- and people in perspective.

EldritchFox · 41-45, F

@OlderSometimesWiser I hear you but it's not just some place on the internet.

Not to me anyway.

I made the best friend I ever had here. There's amazing people here, and I'm a real person too, so I believe in others.

But you are right, I am chasing my own tail trying to feel a sense of community with people who have no patience for me and won't even joke with me when I am light and silly. Which I am often because I'm a complete person who feels my feels and also very much loves to make others feel good.

It's very hard for me to dump people like I am dumped. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I like that about myself. I don't quit on people or shove them off because of their personal struggles. I am not so empty I have nothing for others growth.

I don't expect anyone to understand why I share so much online. Especially if they don't share, for whatever reason.

Point is, there are people here who show face for me, no matter what. There are real people here with more to give than one-sided opinions about my inner world. And this is the only place I've met people with the depth to respond to mine.

I am gaining perspective. That's why I share and enjoy what others share. I had an entire belief system that was shattered so I'm relearning what my truth is. And here, because where I live is not conducive to creativity and growth.

I'm doing my best. I want to exist outside of myself, because of growth, healing and how sharing and caring create a safety I lost so painfully, I'm living in this loop.

OlderSometimesWiser · F

@EldritchFox I met my husband and a very dear friend on a Q&A site so I’m well aware of how deep online relationships can run. I’m also no stranger to pain and loss. I strongly advocate unapologetically being who you are in ways both beautiful and not so beautiful. My point is…… let that be enough.