I just never expected this

My dad recently seemed weak , for nearly two weeks in his nursing home...he would keep saying I'm ok. And one day I went in, he could barely drink or eat, and barely speak. It was alarming. I called 911 and he actually had a lung infection. But the worst part is during that CAT scan upon arriving at the ER, they found enlarged lymph nodes throughout his body.

A week later, they found that it was Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a type of blood cancer. We just learned today he has the aggressive type, and that he could do chemo but it will probably make him worse, and deteriorate, because his immune system so low. So we may go the route of no treatment. I'm finding out tomorrow. It's just all so sudden. I was never too close with him, he'd defend my SADISTIC mother for years, and it was a huge betrayal to me. To not care about what I constantly suffered under her.

But, at least he was better than her. We could talk occasionally about the news, or my life. We binged shows together. And it's in those times that trigger me to be very helpless. You wonder why life has to be this way. That so many will or have developed Cancer. Or are killed as a kid, or abused endlessly as I was, with a shell of a person as their life.

It's s difficult thinking of him suffering, or worse. I hate anyone suffering. And despite that he was a selfish, mean parent, I would miss the occasional laugh we had, and the shows we watched. I love my dad still. I really wish there was an explanation why disease or death exists. If God were omniscient, then there'd be no reason for them.

I'm just conflicted and mad and sad.

JoyfulSilence · 51-55, M

So sorry.

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As for disease, I am an atheist, so to me it is either part of the struggle for life, or else artifacts of the imperfections of evolution.

We humans need to consume other organisms to survive. Even plants must soak up matter from the soil, much of which is the decay of other life. Even the oxygen we breathe would not be there if it were not for the exhalation of things like cyanobacteria millions of years ago. Everything is so connected. One food source or waste product opens the door for new life.

I am not saying this is always good for us. But we are trapped in our selfishness. If bacteria had higher consciousness, would they lament the chemical warfare of our cleaning products, or being prayed upon by other things? Deer are horrified by wolves but without them the wolves would starve. And on and on.

If God existed and cared about no pain I suppose he could give all creatures some form of manna. Yet maybe giving some creatures other creatures to eat would be his manifestation of manna. Yet would God care about the feelings of bacteria?

So I feel God either is not real or does not care. But maybe he only cares about us. If so, why do his lions and bacteria attack and eat us? Or is it some balance, where everything gets a chance to win? In our case, is it punishment for sin?

Of course I think God is not real so it is a dog eat dog world.

The other factor is the inefficiencies of evolution. Nothing is planned, it just is. Yet DNA replication has errors, and cosmic rays and chemicals can produce them. Most are bad, and can lead to things like cancer. Occasionally there is an advantage.

Yet structures that evolved because they caused more and more healthy offspring may produce problems, yet still in aggregate we come out on top. And structures can be repurposed to fit some new need. There are things that are so perfect they seem designed, yet others that are so strange that the only way to make sense is to go back to an earlier time and organism where it did make more sense. Nature tends to mold what it has to new purposes, rather than start over.

Cancer seems a flaw in how we grow and regenerate and repair. We need all this to grow up and stay alive, but this power must be controlled, switched on and off at the proper time. We want our skin to stop growing or else we'd be a bag of saggy skin and likely not survive. But we want it to grow to cover a wound. Sometimes this breaks down.

I am battling with too much blood vessel growth in my eyes due to my body reacting to leaky vessels caused by sugar damage due to diabetes. I get injections of a drug that inhibits growth.

I suppose if God existed he would design all this better. But things have flaws which suggests to me God does not exist, or he has odd ethics. Or does he want cancer to win sometimes?

Sorry for the philosophy. I hope he can be treated or at least kept free of pain with the time he has left.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@JoyfulSilence Thanks, I appreciate philosophy. I am agnostic. I'd truly like to believe in God Bec sometimes I've really needed help and I've prayed and it did work out. But I turned agnostic about a decade ago after years of praying for help long term with PTSD, and not finding any aid. And the reason I have it, is from extreme repeated trauma. How could a God allow a child to be under a sick, sadistic parent for years and years to ultimately feel they are not worthy of anything????and suffer so long. A narcissist will make you believe that FULL STOP. (my mom in this case. ) But yet the organization of cells and life and all this earth is, has too much that seems Planned. So it's very tough to say an origin of anything. And now my dad's cancer, I learned today, is very aggressive. And that chemotherapy would give infection. So now a person life will be over soon completely for some haywire cells????? It's just incredibly SAD

JoyfulSilence · 51-55, M

@Coralmist

I am so sorry for all his and your suffering.

You are such a generous, kind, person, who deserves goodness in return.

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Flesh eating bacteria could have killed me.

I narrowly missed dying in car crashes a few times (I braked or swerved at the last moment!) And I narrowly missed killing others with my car.

Diabetes could cause a world of hurt someday. It is already effecting my eyes and toes. I worry about blindness and amputation.

And then there is always the stuff of old age and poor habits, like heart disease, cancer, and stroke. When I got a CT scan and MRI to look at my infection they said they saw two small strokes! I also failed a Cologuard stool test and worried about cancer (there was none, but a "benign polyp" was removed!)

My parents are declining. Lots of eye problems. My mom is practically blind in one eye now and may not recover. She also has a rare disease where she cannot swallow (literally). She must rely on gravity. Also, her stomach opening will not open normally so food backs up. They put a balloon to force it open! But it closed again. So they did it again. My poor mom.

My grandpa died of lung cancer. He was a lifelong smoker.

So sorry for your pain.