I'm so sorry for all that you mourn...
It is a heavy burden to carry.

And I don't say burden lightly, Its a lot.

My father passed away during the height of COVID in the hospital, he was one of the very few people that were able to have family present. We wore protective gear. But I still remember watching him change from each stage. It's traumatic. Prior to his sickness we'd been estranged for 8 years.

It will feel minimizing having someone ask you how would you have liked your home life to have been.

I'm not saying I agree with them, but I think sometimes people do this to try and get your mind off the harsh reality.

It's a brief moment to forget the pain and imagine that your mum and dad were the kind of people to look up to (so to speak).

No family is perfect and I think in this life you have been a beacon of light for those in yours.

Somehow despite all that has gone on you are a decent human being. Who can judge clearly right from wrong. But you also bestow compassion.

Some people wouldn't even consider a relationship with either parent. This may sound odd, your dad was troubled but your mum stayed and wasn't necessarily able to shield you from this. (She had her reasons and I don't want to minimise her suffering either)

This pain and confusion you constantly feel is because you are now doubting who you are as a consequence of all this.

You are deserving of love.

You are a good person.

You didn't deserve to witness all those traumatic things.

You deserve a life where you are healed and can enjoy all this beautiful world encompasses.

You did absolutely nothing wrong you were an innocent child in all this.

You are worthy of so much more than this pain and suffering.

I hope my words are offering you some comfort.

I am not trained to help you navigate this journey to a better place, but if you are able to, I truly urge you to try and find help where you can let this out and be guided to peace.

A pastor, a counsellor, or a psychologist.

You are loved. 💖

I too grew up unconventionally. Something that I found comforting was actually sharing my story to people, including strangers; anyone who listened. Journaling thoughts and writing on this website over the years has helped me a lot. Over the years, with the vulnerability of sharing, I too have heard people’s personal stories about growing up. Their stories are not less or more, they just are. But each story is personal. I have found more people than not have had unconventional childhoods too. It’s nice to know my time in my youth ( and maybe yours) isn’t totally off the charts for “reality”. It’s just different than some peoples experiences.

Stories end. New ones begin. At some point or another, in adulthood, we all face life similarly and alone, despite our childhood. Your story is not over yet. Keep going. You’ve proven yourself to be Resilient. You can be Resilient forever more. You’ve proven to yourself to being able to handle Discomfort. You can handle Discomfort again, and you can get yourself through it till you get settled again. The journey is not linear and you have all the tools you need for a wonderful future; yourself. Your experience is an advantage.It’s true. Your story is not over yet. You have more chapters! And I know they will be super!

P.S. —- Allow yourself to heal. Healing does not diminish what you’ve gone through. Bc what you have gone through is “the story.” Your heart needs space for new Feelings, let it heal. It won’t happen over night but allow it. Feelings are your pallet and the Future is your canvas. You can “paint” your way to brighter colors. Also as you “paint” through each day, remember you’re “painting with”….

You are not Alone. 💖

Hey Belle...
finding the bodies of your parents deceased, that I cannot imagine. But I am aware of all that bodies hold. Our bodies. Omg. It must have been so sorrowful, so shocking..

But please do not make this misconception, comparing yourself to another. None has it better or worse, it is all a matter of scale. Do not deprive another of their right to feeling. Some just have a lighter scale of experiences than others, but we all have the right to feel.
Some are destined to have a greater scale... Like yourself, or like myself. But please see this, how being the alchemist and being the seer and the healer, means that you recognize the soul in every being. Your friends' suffering isn't any lesser, nor have any lesser degree because your scale of emotion is larger.
Once you see this you will free yourself from it. Allow another to have their feelings and ultimately allow yourself to feel yours in its fullness. In your fire..

How terrible experiences, how dark, how void. I don't know you really apart form reading random stuff here and there from you.
But I am replying to this particular post you have written.
Make the wish you have for your parents, your own wish, and go for finding peace for yourself..you already know this... That is the way your ancestry is going to find peace, through your own existence...

I had to learn how to let go of the hurt and leave the past in the past. And not focus on the things that I cannot control. Otherwise it would drive me crazy. I lost both parents, 2 children, and 3 siblings. Other family members always ask if I'd like to visit their gravesites and I always say no because I don't want to keep reliving it. So I decided for my sanity to not dwell on things. I grew up in a warzone I can still hear a bullet whiz past my head as a 15 year old I can still hear it like it happened yesterday. I've seen bodies, lost several friends to gun violence and I prefer not to think about it or dwell on it. When I moved away at 18 I left all of that behind i refuse to let it control my life. I hope that you can do the same

Im really not too sure anyone has that kind of life. I used to think i was one of them. I thought my childhood was fine. Perfect neighborhood, parents who i never heard argue, same family home, and family friends that were similar to us. But i was abused by my older sister. It was swept under the rug. We never talked about it.

My dads coworker and good friend that lived in the same community as us turned out to be gay. I have no problem with anyone being gay. But it must have been hard for him. It must have been hard for his wife and two daughters when he left.

I had another friend whose brother got beat up one day when he answeered the front door. It was a shock to everyone. I later heard he forced himself on some girl and as a result he was beat up by two masked men.

I have so many examples of the things i only learned later in life about the supposed perfect families i grew up around. I think most every family has some level of dysfunction.

I miss the home i grew up in too. It wasnt until i was i was almost 40 that my mom sold it. After my dad died she didnt have the income to renew the loan. Now im not really even talking to my mom for personal reasons, but either way that support is gone too.

Im not trying to make light of your pain. I think everyone feels pain from loss and the level of grief that comes with it in their own ways that are unique to them. I just caution comparing oneself to others. Social media doesnt help either where we only see the happy highlights. Even though people dont always post it or talk about it, they still have their problems that they prefer not to mention to anyone. It just gives the illusion that their lives are perfect or have what we think we lack.