I accept it but I am not sure I understand

While discussing my life, someone asked me, "well what would you have wanted your childhood to be?"

Parents, mostly. A mom and a dad, in love and married, taking care of their kids together.

Of course I had parents. But, my dad abused my mom verbally and physically. They divorced when I was about 7.

The person who asked me the question has both parents. Very traditional. Her parents are now retired and go to Florida for a few months at a time. A whole home. A place to go to for the holidays.

My original home was sold. There is no "home" to go back to, even if I wanted to. My parents are now dead. Dad died at 49 when I was 11 (year 2000), from heart/liver failure from drinking. Mom died from serous (not "serious", but serous) uterine cancer at 68 (year 2024, I was 36). I "found" both of their bodies. Dad was a surprise but my mom was at my apt doing hospice so...yeah, one day she was just..deceased, in the living room.

It was so...funny, odd, interesting...for this person to ask me what life I would have preferred.

A life with parents. A life with a home I could go back to if I struggled.

My life is so different from this person. My life (unchecked) is screaming and aching and....meanwhile, this other person is upset when her parents argue.

I feel so disconnected.

I feel so.... drained. Different.

I just can't relate to people.

I can't relate.

Then they say I look or seem "better".

I don't feel better.

I feel different.

They wonder why I "isolate".

Because of the pain.

You couldn't know the pain until it happens.

You don't know the pain until you have found your parents bodies.

During hospice, my mom stayed in my apartment. She would vomit hot brown bowel liquid over my arms while I tried to soak it up with towels.

I just can't relate to the traditionally safe life of an average person who still has parents that are still married and retired living it up in Florida on the beach.

My heart hurts every day. Every f*cking day. Knowing my mom never felt peace before she died.

Because not only was she sick, but she had an addict daughter, took care of her grandchild, and just....she did everything. She was an angel.

The only solace I feel is knowing she is at peace now.

I had a dream where we hugged and she said she was ok. Back in 2000 I had a similar dream where my dad said he was ok.

That is all I can ask for. I just wish they had found peace during their physical lives on Earth.

I wish my mom had known peace before she died. She was an angel. She deserved it.

And it never happened.

It haunts me.

I would have given my mom my life if it would have meant she lived longer.

She deserved life more than me. More than mine.

morrgin · F

Im really not too sure anyone has that kind of life. I used to think i was one of them. I thought my childhood was fine. Perfect neighborhood, parents who i never heard argue, same family home, and family friends that were similar to us. But i was abused by my older sister. It was swept under the rug. We never talked about it.

My dads coworker and good friend that lived in the same community as us turned out to be gay. I have no problem with anyone being gay. But it must have been hard for him. It must have been hard for his wife and two daughters when he left.

I had another friend whose brother got beat up one day when he answeered the front door. It was a shock to everyone. I later heard he forced himself on some girl and as a result he was beat up by two masked men.

I have so many examples of the things i only learned later in life about the supposed perfect families i grew up around. I think most every family has some level of dysfunction.

I miss the home i grew up in too. It wasnt until i was i was almost 40 that my mom sold it. After my dad died she didnt have the income to renew the loan. Now im not really even talking to my mom for personal reasons, but either way that support is gone too.

Im not trying to make light of your pain. I think everyone feels pain from loss and the level of grief that comes with it in their own ways that are unique to them. I just caution comparing oneself to others. Social media doesnt help either where we only see the happy highlights. Even though people dont always post it or talk about it, they still have their problems that they prefer not to mention to anyone. It just gives the illusion that their lives are perfect or have what we think we lack.