I talked about a extremely painful part of my life, and I triggered my trauma

I felt dissociated, my heart rate was fast, I felt sleepy and awake, sad, and many realisations.
I've been living with CPTSD my entire life, I dissociate a lot when I'm stressed, it's not obvious to others but it's like I'm not fully present.

It's never feeling fully safe, it's not wanting to get too close to others, seeking comfort in solitude, not showing my real self outside and feeling disconnection because of it, hyper awareness, reading others, sensitivity to judgement, fear of being misunderstood and crappy self image.

Logic doesn't work, it's not a question of character, it's just always there like breathing.
I feel weird and uneasy today 😔

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Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

I am sorry for your anxiety.
I have anxiety myself and know how hard it is to navigate life with that always in the background.
I don't really feel much solitude or comfort in being alone, but maybe that's because I'm older and I just lost my husband two months ago.
If you're open to therapy it might help?
I've had people my whole life tell me not to be shy which is ridiculous to me because it's not something you can turn on and off.
I'm very comfortable here and I believe that is because there is no eye contact and it's easier to be myself without it.
I can think as I write,as well, which doesn't happen with oral communication in real time.
Since I am somewhat of a low talker people get frustrated in real life that they can't hear me: I do pick up on that which makes it even harder for me to communicate, here there's none of that so it's easy just to say what I wish.