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Struggles & Identity

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What’s your body count?

No, not that body count. This is not another internet sex survey. I mean, have you ever taken a life? In any way? By police or military action? By motor vehicle accident (whether your fault or not)?? By any means, with or without intent? Have your actions ever resulted in the death of another?

If yes, then I want to talk to you. How do you deal with the idea that you ended someone’s life? Does it bother you? Do you think about it? Did you talk to anyone about it (professionally I mean)?

How long has it been since the incident? How vivid is the memory still?

Did this incident change you?

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

Ontheroad · M

The count is unknown and that is a purposeful thing. The fog of combat allows one to ignore the body count... or it did for me.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Ontheroad Can I DM you?

Ontheroad · M

@sarabee1995 sure, I'm in and out this evening, but I'll try to respond as soon as I can.

Gangstress · 41-45, F

I feel in a place i can talk about it

I found her with cable ties round her neck, she looked blue, the cables were tight and i couldnt find the strength to grab em. I think she was still breathing
I screamed for someone to help . They didn't understand what i was doing so had to run to them to say shes tried killing herself i need your fuvking help
She was alive at the point but must have passed as we tried to help. When the parademics said the time of death
It was just awful tbh

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Gangstress Oh wow. And you found her?!?! How long ago was this?

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

I’ve never taken a human life.

But I have had to put a few pets down due to suffering and and I carry a lot of guilt over that even though I know it was the right decision

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Jenny1234 Oh I'm sorry. We had to do that the both the dogs I grew up with. So sad. 😔

LordShadowfire · M

@Jenny1234 It's never easy. The best you can do is be there in the end.

ArtieKat · M

@Jenny1234 Pet owners always know, I think, when the time is right to make that difficult decision. Never easy though ❤️

Livingwell · 61-69, M

No. But it came close. My daughter's bf threatened her with a gun. I drove 300miles to take her away from there. And I was loaded for bear.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Livingwell I'm glad you didn't need to execute on the plan in your head.

HootyTheNightOwl

It wasn't my fault... but I still blame myself for the death of my best friend - he died after having a seizure waiting for the bus one Saturday morning... he was just 18 years old.

Since then, I've never had a "best friend" - though, I do have a few close friends.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl Were you with him? How long ago was that? Is it still with you?

HootyTheNightOwl

@sarabee1995 No, I wasn't with him... I was on vacation with my family at the time.

It was 22 years ago now - and I still carry the guilt with me that I wasn't able to change the fact that he would hide his epilepsy because he felt that he was treated differently once people knew that he had it.

I'll likely never forgive myself for the fact that I wasn't able to save his life.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl 🫂

ChampagneOnIce · 51-55, F

I wasn’t in the military so I haven’t been in that kind of a situation. I’ve had self defense training, but that’s more about injuring so you can get away. I hope I never have to take a life. I’m struggling enough with having to put my dogs down. I feel for those who have killed and feel the weight of it.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ChampagneOnIce Thank you. 🫂

Sojournersoul · M

Never but when deployed, i was locked and loaded. Came very close.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Sojournersoul Can I DM you?

Sojournersoul · M

@sarabee1995 Of course.

JohnnySpot · 56-60, M

I once found a body and the police questioned me.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@JohnnySpot That must have been awful!

JohnnySpot · 56-60, M

@sarabee1995 yes, I was worried they suspected me of foul play.

Colonelmustardseed · 36-40

I never killed another human being. I accidentally hit a rabbit once while on a highway, going 80 mph (the limit). It was impossible to avoid as the rabbit suddenly hopped right in front of my car. I cried. If I ever killed a person, I know it would hurt me for the rest of my life.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Colonelmustardseed Thanks.

ChampagneOnIce · 51-55, F

@Colonelmustardseed I understand. I cried so hard when I hit a rabbit with my car. Then, the other night a rabbit ran in front of me, and I had time and enough space to stop. I saw it hop off, and I felt so glad I didn’t hit it.

I know I have it in me to take a life if threatened. Fight or flight. I hope I am never in a situation where I have to, though.

BeefySenpie · M

None. I have pondered this question before, particularly a car accident

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@BeefySenpie Be happy your count is zero.

bowman81 · M

Yes,
yes
yes
no
47 years ago
still very vivid
yes

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@bowman81 I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay?

bowman81 · M

@sarabee1995 Yes

MarineBob · 56-60, M

Of course it changes a person in many ways

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@MarineBob Yup.

Straylight · 31-35, F

Nearly. But I’ve opted to spare him

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Straylight I'm glad you did. I wouldn't want you to live with it after. Nothing wrong with makin him limp for a while though.

Straylight · 31-35, F

@sarabee1995 You can probably guess.

Elessar · 26-30, M

Thankfully zero. But still 🫂

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Elessar 🫂

vetguy1991 · 51-55, M

As far as i know i haven't

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@vetguy1991 Thank goodness.

ArtieKat · M

{Hugs} ❤️

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ArtieKat [center]🫂[/center]

travelguy01 · 41-45, M

None thankfully, but very easily could have due to a really bad head on collision that I got into years ago on I-95, which was my fault.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@travelguy01 Thank goodness no one died. You okay from it?

travelguy01 · 41-45, M

@sarabee1995 Yeah, this was nearly 20 years ago now. The cars were totaled and I had a few bumps, but nobody was seriously injured.

My mom’s fiancé was a police officer and he shot and killed a man in the line of duty back in the 80s (he had no other choice, the guy had a loaded gun and had already killed someone, and was going to do it again). Every year on the anniversary of it, he got very down and sad. Even 30+ years later.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@travelguy01 I can understand that.

mindlessdrifter · M

Nothing that exciting

View 1 more replies »

mindlessdrifter · M

@sarabee1995 I wouldn't take a life, never have

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@mindlessdrifter I didn't mean by intent. I'm including accidental actions in my question too.

mindlessdrifter · M

@sarabee1995 Not at all. I must have misunderstood your question

LordShadowfire · M

I've never killed anyone directly, but I'm about 90% sure someone died as a result of fuсking with me.

This was in prison, go figure. Somebody asked if he can borrow my frankincense oil that I had consecrated for ritual use in order to smell good for his visit. I said no. Later on, he fast-talked me into holding on to his homemade wine mix and adding the hot water needed to get it going. He swore that since I was in cell 1, right next to the guard station, nobody would ever suspect me. Talked about splitting the profits once it was properly fermented.

I'm not good under pressure. People start pushing and pushing and pushing, and I eventually cave. I took his mix, added the hot water, and put it under my bunk. At yard line, I told him I'd done it. When I got back, the COs were doing a "random" check of my cell. Both my cellie and I were taken straight to the hole.

I did the right thing. Or at least, what the prison convict code calls the right thing. I made sure the hearings officer knew that my cellie had nothing to do with it, and I refused to give up the name of the guy who set me up. Why, you ask? Because my cellie was good friends with one of the big shots there at the prison. I mean, big time big shot. Doing life for murder kind of big shot. And my cellie went straight to that person once he was released from segregation and told them the whole story.

The other guy? No clue. I never saw him again, and nobody ever spoke of him.

Yeah, it affects me. I think about this incident every now and then. But honestly, I did what I had to in order to survive. And rats disappear on a regular basis.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@LordShadowfire Wow. Okay.

1490wayb · 56-60, M

a squirrel, a few fish, and a few insects...LOTS of weeds, shrubs etc.

deadgerbil · 22-25

None

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@deadgerbil Thank goodness.

deadgerbil · 22-25

@sarabee1995 yeah I'm glad I left law enforcement. Like yeah some people act in such a way that they deserve to be put down, but it stays with the person doing it regardless

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@deadgerbil Yup.

MrBrownstone · 46-50, M

Including abortion?

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@MrBrownstone I wasn't thinking of that, no.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

None, thankfully

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@iamonfire696 Thank goodness!

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@sarabee1995 Yes, I don’t know Joe people in active duty handle this reality.

empanadas · 31-35, M

No I never taken a life but I know a lot of people who I grew up with did.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@empanadas While you knew them? Or they went off to war?

empanadas · 31-35, M

@sarabee1995 they joined gangs, I distanced myself from them to not be associated. Learn to through the grapevine and others from being prison for life

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@empanadas Wow, okay.

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