Is This It?
I walked in graduation in May. However, I still have three outstanding requirements left: a piano proficiency test, a language course, and an upper division music course. I need to practice piano for the test next month, but I'm taking French 101 and a music history course, both outside of the college I originally attended because I spent way too much time there and it just wasn't a good place for me.
To preface this, I'm not a good student. I used to be, like through elementary school, but I've been school for all of these years one after the other, and I think I'm burned out. In addition to the absence of a father, mental health struggles with ADHD and MDD, and just a lack of motivation and ambition that I once had, I'm not the student or person that I was then. And without being able to afford meds for my conditions, I'm not in the most operational state right now.
It's easy, so easy, to fall behind, and I always do, and so I'm behind now, just as I was in undergrad. I got an email from my online class this morning telling me that I've been withdrawn. So I emailed the student services office in addition to directly emailing my teacher. I haven't received a response yet, but I did inform them of the difficulties that I am facing and am asking for some grace to be able to complete this course as, though it is a requirement I am trying to fulfill, I do truly like the course material and am using it to study the influence of '60s Nuyorican salseros and their influence on American Music culture today.
All this being said, I thought that my problems would end with getting a girlfriend, someone that would give me a reason to work harder for our future together. I thought that attending classes outside of my original university would give me a better environment to work and study in a not-so-toxic place. I thought that I'd have newfound energy to go to work and earn money. But the truth is that I don't and none of that has solved anything. I'm not directly addressing the true issues and I don't know how to do that on my own. And the longer it takes to dig deep and do something about this, the older I will become with not much life lived.
I don't want to become that old fat resentful man that lives alone in his apartment, yelling at everyone around him for silence, that cries and pleads with death at the end of his miserable life asking for more time. I want to live a fulfilling life where I can be a music therapist and work with people, healing them through music and empathy and analyzing how to best treat conditions. I want to work with my hands, drilling and building, seeing the direct and tangible results of my labor. I want to live with my girlfriend, wake up and fall asleep next to her bright and loving face. I want a dog and a cat, a garage I can work in and workout in and keep her car so she stays warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I want her to have her library with all of her books and a comfy chair for her to sit in and read and drink tea, where she can see her degrees and smile at how much she's accomplished, for our kids to gawk at and ask mommy how she did that and if they can do it, too. But I'm here in my mother's house at 24, almost 25, already becoming that old fat man who is angry at the world because he's been mad at himself for so long.
I am the reason that I think of death. I want to escape me, but you can't just shed your skin and it's harder yet to shed your mind. If I were to run away into the woods, I'd be there. If I were to hide under a rock, I'd be there, too. I already feel the weight of my failures pressing down on me. I'm only 24, and if the average life expectancy really is 75 years old, then I'm already a third of the way through, and this weight is only the beginning. I never thought I would live past the age of 21, but not I don't know if I even want to live past the age of 30. I want to, but only if it's a good life, not just with challenges, but with good things. I just don't know if I can anymore.
To preface this, I'm not a good student. I used to be, like through elementary school, but I've been school for all of these years one after the other, and I think I'm burned out. In addition to the absence of a father, mental health struggles with ADHD and MDD, and just a lack of motivation and ambition that I once had, I'm not the student or person that I was then. And without being able to afford meds for my conditions, I'm not in the most operational state right now.
It's easy, so easy, to fall behind, and I always do, and so I'm behind now, just as I was in undergrad. I got an email from my online class this morning telling me that I've been withdrawn. So I emailed the student services office in addition to directly emailing my teacher. I haven't received a response yet, but I did inform them of the difficulties that I am facing and am asking for some grace to be able to complete this course as, though it is a requirement I am trying to fulfill, I do truly like the course material and am using it to study the influence of '60s Nuyorican salseros and their influence on American Music culture today.
All this being said, I thought that my problems would end with getting a girlfriend, someone that would give me a reason to work harder for our future together. I thought that attending classes outside of my original university would give me a better environment to work and study in a not-so-toxic place. I thought that I'd have newfound energy to go to work and earn money. But the truth is that I don't and none of that has solved anything. I'm not directly addressing the true issues and I don't know how to do that on my own. And the longer it takes to dig deep and do something about this, the older I will become with not much life lived.
I don't want to become that old fat resentful man that lives alone in his apartment, yelling at everyone around him for silence, that cries and pleads with death at the end of his miserable life asking for more time. I want to live a fulfilling life where I can be a music therapist and work with people, healing them through music and empathy and analyzing how to best treat conditions. I want to work with my hands, drilling and building, seeing the direct and tangible results of my labor. I want to live with my girlfriend, wake up and fall asleep next to her bright and loving face. I want a dog and a cat, a garage I can work in and workout in and keep her car so she stays warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I want her to have her library with all of her books and a comfy chair for her to sit in and read and drink tea, where she can see her degrees and smile at how much she's accomplished, for our kids to gawk at and ask mommy how she did that and if they can do it, too. But I'm here in my mother's house at 24, almost 25, already becoming that old fat man who is angry at the world because he's been mad at himself for so long.
I am the reason that I think of death. I want to escape me, but you can't just shed your skin and it's harder yet to shed your mind. If I were to run away into the woods, I'd be there. If I were to hide under a rock, I'd be there, too. I already feel the weight of my failures pressing down on me. I'm only 24, and if the average life expectancy really is 75 years old, then I'm already a third of the way through, and this weight is only the beginning. I never thought I would live past the age of 21, but not I don't know if I even want to live past the age of 30. I want to, but only if it's a good life, not just with challenges, but with good things. I just don't know if I can anymore.
22-25, M
