This Won't Ever End, Will It?

Researching the philosophy of suicide and contemplating what happens after because whatever is going on has been going on ever since I was in middle school and has gradually gotten worse no matter how much good happens. Whether it's death or the lotto or something, I want to get away from here but I know that it's impossible. No amount of poetry-writing, no amount of journaling, therapy, medication, "love" - there is no cure. I just wish I knew that there was somewhere for sure after all this and that it's better than this.