Texts I can't send - Lucas
I remember the first time I saw you on Tinder.. I think I cried a little bit. But it wasn't like as soon as I saw your profile I instantly cried. I think I felt confused, I couldn't understand why your profile was being recommended to me, I thought you were straight...
I think I was excited for like a few seconds, then I actually realized what that meant. Back when we were in school, and I had a crush on you, one of the things that hurt the most was when people would have fun of you, just because they knew I had feelings for you. I thought I deserved being made fun of, I deserved to be alone because it was just who I was, I was the only gay black kid at school... I thought I had no other choice but to face that alone. But now, I find out, I wasn't actually the only one, I was just the only one everyone knew about... I never had to be alone, you guys could have helped, could have been there for me, could have supported me. Not as romantic partners, but as friends, like actual, true friends. I remember you texting me, saying "I am who I am today thanks to you, you meant more to me than you thought"
I never knew exactly what you meant by that, I just thought maybe you said those things because deep inside, tho you are straight, you do actually enjoy being loved. But now, knowing you aren't straight... Did my feelings for you have anything to do with you discovering your sexuality? If so, how come you never showed any interest in me? I thought about these questions for about a week after the first time I saw you on Tinder, I even remember dreaming about you, which felt weird because I hadn't seen you in years. I felt like I was going mad, because I needed those questions answered. But I couldn't just appear out of the blue years after and start asking questions, especially after it seemed like you moved on, and how you never actually showed genuine interest in me. I felt stuck, I couldn't move on and I couldn't turn to you... I remember, during that time, I was at a course, and during the morning break, I stayed in class while everyone else went out, I stayed thinking about you, and I felt so bad I started crying, cause I knew the only way I could move on was by swallowing my pride and actually talking to you. Then, this lady I was in class with walked in, she saw me crying, came over and slowly sat next to me. She asked "Honey, what's going on?" I remember telling her something along the lines of "Oh, just boys stuff". She smiled and comforted me. That moment gave me the strength to hold on the next few days without actually talking to you. Finally the day came, when I felt like I had no choice but to talk to you, but before I did, I asked myself, "why am I doing this?what am I hoping would come out of this conversation?". I then noticed it was because I missed you, I actually missed you, I think a part of me was hoping there was still a chance we might be together... "But why do I feel this way? I haven't seen him in years.."
But I quickly realized it was because I remember how much I loved you back when we were young, and tho I had forgotten about the heart-shaped rock, when you showed it to me after all those years, I remembered the moment I gave it to you, how I whispered in your ears "I will always love you no matter what", I remember how you caught me worrying about you, and how it made you smile, I remember how you use to always stare at me from the bus as it drove away... But then I also remembered how much you hurt me, how I would ask you out for a walk, just the 2 of us, promised I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable. How you would accept but never showed up, I remember I would clean my house hoping you would finally show up... But you never did, and it hurt even more to hear your voice, knowing you were next door, and that you didn't come looking for me because you actually didn't want to.
And it was so confusing, because a week later, you'll then run over to me all excited to see me again...
And I think, that's what actually kept me away, remembering why I had to leave, remembering, that tho you say you cared for me more than I thought, all you did was hurt me.
I think I was excited for like a few seconds, then I actually realized what that meant. Back when we were in school, and I had a crush on you, one of the things that hurt the most was when people would have fun of you, just because they knew I had feelings for you. I thought I deserved being made fun of, I deserved to be alone because it was just who I was, I was the only gay black kid at school... I thought I had no other choice but to face that alone. But now, I find out, I wasn't actually the only one, I was just the only one everyone knew about... I never had to be alone, you guys could have helped, could have been there for me, could have supported me. Not as romantic partners, but as friends, like actual, true friends. I remember you texting me, saying "I am who I am today thanks to you, you meant more to me than you thought"
I never knew exactly what you meant by that, I just thought maybe you said those things because deep inside, tho you are straight, you do actually enjoy being loved. But now, knowing you aren't straight... Did my feelings for you have anything to do with you discovering your sexuality? If so, how come you never showed any interest in me? I thought about these questions for about a week after the first time I saw you on Tinder, I even remember dreaming about you, which felt weird because I hadn't seen you in years. I felt like I was going mad, because I needed those questions answered. But I couldn't just appear out of the blue years after and start asking questions, especially after it seemed like you moved on, and how you never actually showed genuine interest in me. I felt stuck, I couldn't move on and I couldn't turn to you... I remember, during that time, I was at a course, and during the morning break, I stayed in class while everyone else went out, I stayed thinking about you, and I felt so bad I started crying, cause I knew the only way I could move on was by swallowing my pride and actually talking to you. Then, this lady I was in class with walked in, she saw me crying, came over and slowly sat next to me. She asked "Honey, what's going on?" I remember telling her something along the lines of "Oh, just boys stuff". She smiled and comforted me. That moment gave me the strength to hold on the next few days without actually talking to you. Finally the day came, when I felt like I had no choice but to talk to you, but before I did, I asked myself, "why am I doing this?what am I hoping would come out of this conversation?". I then noticed it was because I missed you, I actually missed you, I think a part of me was hoping there was still a chance we might be together... "But why do I feel this way? I haven't seen him in years.."
But I quickly realized it was because I remember how much I loved you back when we were young, and tho I had forgotten about the heart-shaped rock, when you showed it to me after all those years, I remembered the moment I gave it to you, how I whispered in your ears "I will always love you no matter what", I remember how you caught me worrying about you, and how it made you smile, I remember how you use to always stare at me from the bus as it drove away... But then I also remembered how much you hurt me, how I would ask you out for a walk, just the 2 of us, promised I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable. How you would accept but never showed up, I remember I would clean my house hoping you would finally show up... But you never did, and it hurt even more to hear your voice, knowing you were next door, and that you didn't come looking for me because you actually didn't want to.
And it was so confusing, because a week later, you'll then run over to me all excited to see me again...
And I think, that's what actually kept me away, remembering why I had to leave, remembering, that tho you say you cared for me more than I thought, all you did was hurt me.
