I don't belong

I am the person who constantly argues how being trans and being queer is normal, how it doesn't make us a different species...that we are normal human beings with difference preferences and choices than what society accepts as normal. But I am a hypocrite because at least twice a day I look in the mirror and I wish that I didn't feel this way, that I could be a normal 16 year old girl or boy who could just worry about exams, crushes, college and could go and chill out with their friends. But instead I am too scared to accept myself. This whole thing about 'being unapologetically myself' seems like a scam because how do you be yourself when you can't even look at yourself in the mirror without breaking down?

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LookingForIt987 · 51-55, M

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

It gets better. Maybe not easier; not overall. But that's only because some things you worry about simply won't matter at all in a few years, but it'll be replaced - bills or exams in college, or grad school application, or a big project at work, or whatever.

Coming out is incredibly difficult. Your mind plays games with you, and tells you that your best friend or your parents or (in my case) your spouse and/or kids are going to be revolted and want nothing at all to do with you. You'll win that battle when you're ready to - don't let anybody push you into it until then. The more you [i]have [/i]the battle, the easier it gets. And... the more you have the battle, the more you honor your true self.

Just hang in there! One day at a time is all you need to worry about. If you ever feel like you need somebody to talk with - especially if your parents aren't supportive! - please, reach out to me; I'll be happy to talk, or just listen; whichever you want.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

WannaBeACloud · 18-21, T

@LookingForIt987 Thank you...you know, a part of me knows how lucky I am, because I have come out to many people in my life (except my parents). I live in India and I know that it is bad everywhere else also but especially here, I feel like I am being suffocated and trapped in a box. I am afraid but talking to people about my sexuality is not difficult. When it comes to gender, people mostly say, 'You're a girl, what else can you be?'. I feel like I spend all my time just validating my existence. I know I shouldn't but I feel guilty, because my parents are the best, and they don't deserve the pain that I am going to give them.

But I can't even imagine how difficult life would be in such a situation if you are married. I'm sorry

LookingForIt987 · 51-55, M

@WannaBeACloud I was very lucky, in that my wife and (now adult) children were all very accepting. Honestly, none of them cared at all.

Your parents may surprise you; I don't know. I've heard quite a few stories about parents that were supposedly conservative in their viewpoints having to reevaluate their beliefs once it was close to them, rather than something about "other" people. You'll know the right time.

Again, if you ever feel the need to talk to somebody please don't hesitate to drop me a message I'll be happy to listen and give you a virtual shoulder to lean on if you need it. Stay safe!

WannaBeACloud · 18-21, T

@LookingForIt987 I'm really happy for you...Again, thank you and I wish what you said about my parents turns out to be true. I feel like I am fighting two battles right now, one with myself and one with others...I love to study and I am so excited about college, but sometimes it seems pointless...I feel like a joker sometimes, I put on a smile to make my parents and everyone around me happy, and I do stupid things to make them laugh and it's not fake, but sometimes it's so exhausting to play this role. How do your love yourself when you know that once you will love yourself, the people who love you now will leave?

LookingForIt987 · 51-55, M

@WannaBeACloud Time will give you perspective and (probably) some answers.

I'll just leave you with this thought that occurred to me. Based on what you've said here, you've done more growing in your relatively short time on this big blue rock than people I know who are three and even four times your age.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@WannaBeACloud If they leave you'll find new people who love you just the way you are. ❤️