He Used the Catholic Church to Find the Naughtiest Women in Town

“Bless me, Father, for I’ve been downright filthy,” groans a muffled voice behind the screen. “I just got bent over the baptismal font by a woman who could drain a man soul-dry.”
Father Thomas grips the armrests of his chair, leaning so close his nose is pressed against the screen. “Is that you, Joey Goodhead?!”
“Yes, Father... and my knees are still shaking.”
“Good Lord, Joey!” Father Thomas whispers urgently, his eyes darting around. “Who was this ungodly sex demon? Unburden your soul!”
“I can’t throw her under the bus, Father,” Joey pants. “She might be freaky, but I’m a gentleman. Her reputation stays intact.”
“Absolution requires confession, Joey!” Father Thomas insists, fumbling in his cassock for a pen and frantically scribbling on his palm. “Was it Gina, the choir director? The one who bought that leather corset on the parish credit card?”
“My lips are sealed, Father.”
“Was it Mrs. Vance, the mayor’s wife? I know she keeps a secret drawer of toys in her nightstand!”
“I’ll take it to my grave.”
“Was it Donna, the Sunday school teacher? The blonde who does yoga in front of her open bay window?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Brenda from the ladies’ auxiliary? The one who discreetly flashes the deacon during communion?!”
“Father, please! Don't tempt me.”
“Was it Sarah, the new organist whose basement dungeon features more leather and brass than the actual pipe organ?!”
“I’m sorry, Father, I’m taking this secret to the bedroom, not the grave.”
Father Thomas groans in utter defeat, slamming his pen down. “Your lockjaw is infuriating, Joey, but your dirty secret stays safe. For your penance, you’re banned from alter duty for six whole months. Now get out of my sight!”
Joey struts out of the confessional, slicking back his hair, buttoning his shirt, and buttoning his fly. His buddy Harley is practically dying of suspense in the last pew.
Harley leans over and whispers, “Well? Did he ruin you?”
Joey pulls out his phone, opens up his contacts, and smirks.
“Six months off church duty, and the priest just hooked me up with a list of the five naughtiest prospects in the whole parish, including his own wife from before he took the vow, who apparently still visits!”