Throw me some jokes, even if they're not that funny. I'll go first.

A pirate walks into a tavern he hadn't been in in a few years. The old bar tender is happy to see him but tells pirate that he looks terrible. Pirate takes offense and asks, "what is it that makes me look so terrible old friend?"..bar tender says, "well, for starters, what's that peg leg about? You didn't have that last time I saw you." Pirate answers, "true enough. Indeed I did have both me legs before. But we went into battle on the high sees and I took a cannonball to the knee. It really was a big deal at the time, but I'm all healed up and get along pretty well with the peg. I can dance and everything" Bar tender says, "ok but what about the hook? You had both hands last time I saw you, now one is a hook." Pirate agrees with him but explains, "Aye, 'tiz a sight to behold for sure and took some getting used to." He continues to explain how he lost his hand in a sword fight defending the ship. "It was well worth the trade and me and me hook get along just fine now. I'm ship shape, really." Bar tender then asks "okay, then what's with the eye patch? That's new." Pirate explains, "there was a gull flying overhead one morning and when I looked up at it, it dropped its poop right in me eye.." Bartender shakes head in disbelief, saying, "no way, are you telling me that bird poop is what took out your eye?!" Pirate replies, "no, no, no laddy. ..nothing like that. ..it was simply the first day with the new hook. ...Arr'r'r'r"