I will be closing comments on this post because when I answered a question with the information I am going to talk about here, there was a person who was very judgmental and somewhat cruel to me in the replies to my answer to this question. It triggered a couple of days of self-loathing that I won't go through again. I will write my story, though, because it is mine to tell, and if someone can learn something from it and avoid my mistakes, then it is worth it.😔
The question I answered was something like, "What are some good reasons for cheating?"
My answer was, I have no good reasons for cheating, only excuses. When I was in the hospital, after the birth of our first child, my "supposed" best friend got my Husband drunk and he slept with her. Later, she told me that she had only become my friend because she wanted to sleep with my Husband. I was 17 and stupid. I was all alone( without my family because my mother was in the state mental hospital and I never knew my dad), expecting my first child, so her friendship ( as an older woman) was important and needed by me at that time.😔
I couldn't get over the fact that my Husband had cheated. My body had changed dramatically during my pregnancy, leaving me with very low self-esteem, and I had trusted my Husband with everything in me. I had trusted my "supposed" best friend, too. Well, my Husband's "supposed" best friend(whom I was later told had slept with all my Husband's girlfriends, I guess just to hurt my Husband) took advantage of this situation. He spent day after day coming to my house while my Husband was a work (and when he was at home) telling me all the things my broken heart wanted to hear. Such as, "I would never have done this to you." "You didn't deserve that." "You deserve so much better.", etc. It took a full year, but one day, after a fight with my Husband, I slept with his "supposed" best friend.😔
I got pregnant around this time, and I don't know who the father of my son was. Now, before you start judging. I was 18 years old. Look back at your life and see if you were perfect at 18 years old. I am willing to bet you weren't. Having been extremely abused for the first 14 years of my life had left me with few good coping skills and no idea how I was supposed to act. I just knew I hurt, and I hurt badly. My Husband was the first person I had ever trusted, and the only one I had ever believed, even a little bit, loved me, so his cheating took more skills than I had developed to handle the situation correctly. I have paid for the rest of my life for this mistake. My Husband decided to be my son's father, no matter what. When our son was 18, we told him the truth, and he decided that my Husband was his father, too.❤
The payment for this mistake, however, didn't end there. My "supposed" best friend had an STD. My Husband and his "supposed" best friend had both slept with her. I got this STD too. I had already had an STD given to me by my grandfather when I was 12 or 13, and that had caused damage. I got this one postpartum, and it caused damage. I got it again after I cheated with my Husband's "supposed" best friend because he, too, had slept with my "supposed" best friend. This and abuse from 5 to 13 years old led to a great deal of damage, which in turn led to my having to have a hysterectomy at 21 years old. 21 years old, is pretty young to have your ability to have children taken from you, or to begin early menopause. My health has suffered greatly since then.😔
I also mentioned in my answer that when I was in my early 30's I had an emotional affair on EP. I am not proud of this. I had no reasons, once again only excuses. I had stood up to my Husband ( and this is the ONLY time I have ever done that) about adopting our grandchildren. He didn't want to. He felt it was our daughter's responsibility, but I had been raised by a mom who wasn't able to be a mom (part-time anyway), and there was no way I would have been able to live with myself if I hadn't adopted my grandchildren. My Husband grew very distant from me for a year. My Husband was also addicted to online porn, and for some time, kinda preferred to extremes he could find online to anything I was providing. This led to me feeling worthless. My Husband has always(until recently) been unable to connect with me emotionally. He says this is because of how he was raised and such. 😔
So, words online (because this is all it was), no pictures, no adult talk, nothing like that, made me grow attached to what I think was another human online (who really knows now, though). My Husband was deeply hurt when he found out because he said an emoitnal afair was worse than a porn addiction because my heart was involved. I ended this "affair" and have never done it since, or even thought about doing it since. That was more than 20 years ago. My husband's addiction took longer to overcome, and in the end, he lost his job (I believe) over it.😔
So, then the person who was judgmental and cruel decided to ask me why I stayed married..
I ask him why I shouldn't have stayed married. My Husband and I still loved each other. We forgave each other. The physical affairs happened very early in our marriage and never again. The saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater.", isn't always true. I also mentioned that we went on to adopt our grandchildren, and if we had divorced, what would have become of them. I explained how the longer you stick with a marriage, even when it is rocky, the stronger the love becomes. I also said I know many couples choose to walk away from a marriage when it is hard, but that wasn't what my Husband and I wanted. ❤
This person went on to rant at me about how my kids and my grandkids would have been better off if I had divorced my Husband, and a few more cruel things were said. I honestly don't remember word for word, or I would add it here.
What he had failed to see was that both my Husband and I made mistakes when we were very young, but we learned from those mistakes and chose to stay married. Our marriage, after many years of working to forgive each other and to grow trust again, became stronger. However, if we had not cheated in the first place, it would have been much easier, and there would have been far less pain.😔
I am not perfect. My Husband is not perfect. Our children are not perfect, but I highly doubt anyone is. What has happened with all the trials my family has faced is that we have learned to learn from our mistakes, and not keep making the same mistakes over and over. We have also been humbled and can now see others without being judgmental, and we have empathy for everyone.❤
I don't believe cheating is right or that there is ever a good reason to cheat. However, I know it does happen. When it does, the couple has to make a decision. My Husband and I made our decision to stay married.❤
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