If you ever felt you have No identity..

If you ever experienced severe, ongoing or extreme trauma/abuse... and you felt as if you didn't even exist over time, did you ever find a way to FIND 'you'? Or to create 'you'? This is the single hardest thing I've ever experienced, b/c I know my mind numbed out my life, to protect itself. But I mean YEARs and YEARS of my life were numbed out- from childhood , teens to adulthood. I feel I have NO self, and to continue day in and day out as an adult in a crazed , mean world, with NO self?? It feels I'm drowning.

The trauma says now, 'you are so beyond low and tainted , that you couldn't possibly deserve love or joy. ' As a kid, I began ultimate people pleasing, as a way so people would think I'm 'good'. I was being abused daily, esp. with psychological bullying, screamed at/mocked, and told I was dumb, ungrateful, lazy, and many other things that would make a person equate they are 'bad' if they identified with it. So I put on a happy face for all, 24/7, so people would think I'm acceptable and good. Because if they thought i was 'bad', it meant my own parent was right, that I was a burden with no true right to be myself, or even Human. How does one ever feel (after feeling NUMB and non existent) they do deserve joy or love? (Even when you cannot offer someone much at all)