What A Difference A Week Makes
Just last week we were so happy to see each other for the first time since New Year's Day. And now I've made things incredibly awkward again.
I just got off the phone with my partner of nearly four years. We'd spoken last night, and our conversation ended on a flat note, and I wasn't sure why. I just knew it worried me a lot. Upon speaking tonight, things started pleasant, and it flattened out again. So, I asked her if she was upset with me, to which she responded that she was.
She explained to me that on both occasions she'd tell me something and I would get a little too over-excited (my admission) and flip it around, ultimately making the subject about me or just sucking the fun out of the conversation. In my mind, I'm being funny, but it's not working in reality. I apologized and told her to not hesitate to let me know when I'm doing that. She agreed, jokingly telling me she'd boop me on the nose if I did it again.
Just as I thought we were ok, I sensed she was holding back tears. So, I decided to end the conversation. I told her I'd try again tomorrow but the truth is I don't think I want to call her. I was very close to calling her back up and breaking up with her just so she wouldn't ever have to put up with me again. For as supportive of me as she's been ever since I was diagnosed with autism, I feel like I've essentially taken one step forward and two steps back with my attempts to improve myself.
Maybe I've written about this on here before, but I've toyed around the thought for nearly two years now. If I were to break up with my partner, I'd be able to fully explore myself as an autistic person without the fear of upsetting anyone. I don't want to see people and I don't want to know how to act anymore because it's stressful, and always has been. I want to feel safe to BE autistic in the safety of my own home, where I can NEVER make an ass out of myself. I'd probably never even be in a relationship again by choice. I've always felt alone, compliments of this condition. I might as well complete the process and BE alone.
I just got off the phone with my partner of nearly four years. We'd spoken last night, and our conversation ended on a flat note, and I wasn't sure why. I just knew it worried me a lot. Upon speaking tonight, things started pleasant, and it flattened out again. So, I asked her if she was upset with me, to which she responded that she was.
She explained to me that on both occasions she'd tell me something and I would get a little too over-excited (my admission) and flip it around, ultimately making the subject about me or just sucking the fun out of the conversation. In my mind, I'm being funny, but it's not working in reality. I apologized and told her to not hesitate to let me know when I'm doing that. She agreed, jokingly telling me she'd boop me on the nose if I did it again.
Just as I thought we were ok, I sensed she was holding back tears. So, I decided to end the conversation. I told her I'd try again tomorrow but the truth is I don't think I want to call her. I was very close to calling her back up and breaking up with her just so she wouldn't ever have to put up with me again. For as supportive of me as she's been ever since I was diagnosed with autism, I feel like I've essentially taken one step forward and two steps back with my attempts to improve myself.
Maybe I've written about this on here before, but I've toyed around the thought for nearly two years now. If I were to break up with my partner, I'd be able to fully explore myself as an autistic person without the fear of upsetting anyone. I don't want to see people and I don't want to know how to act anymore because it's stressful, and always has been. I want to feel safe to BE autistic in the safety of my own home, where I can NEVER make an ass out of myself. I'd probably never even be in a relationship again by choice. I've always felt alone, compliments of this condition. I might as well complete the process and BE alone.
