Protecting My Peace
I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself... like, my OLD self, way back when I was 21 and the world was a bit brighter. I think in everything that has happened in my life it has taken me down a lot of roads in the healing process.
When I was 22, I entered into a relationship that would change my life forever. I didn't think much of myself, or I felt I should be punished for some reason (I don't even remember my thought process now), but I ended up in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And I stayed in it for 2 years.
I think I learned a lot of lessons during that time. Lessons that would take years of processing to undue. First, I didn't see myself as valuable. I based my value off of the validation of my partner. Second, I compromised my values and integrity for a chance to feel love. I thought being flexible in that way would allow me to keep the person I admired. Third, I started hiding my thoughts and opinions. I used to be outspoken, but I became compliant, afraid to offend others with my beliefs and preferences.
Slowly, over the course of all of these years, I saw small things slipping away piece by piece, but I didn't see what I was becoming. I thought I was still the same old me and that all of these losts and hurts were just happenstance. I didn't realize that they were consequences from the new life outlook I had developed under that situation. It changed me. ...And although I felt it, deep down I know I felt it, I refused to see it or address it.
Over the course of this last year, I have dated 2 men that were kind enough (not perfect, of course... but better than what I had been exposing myself too), that I began to see traces of light of my old self. That familiar light would shine momentarily from underneath the dark curtain that I have been hiding under for so long.
I give him angst, but the 46 year old man (ND) that I recently posted about was one of these individuals that brought out that light in me. The second, is the most recent person that I'm seeing (AJ). And to be honest, I don't think that I'm meant to be with either of these people. But I am happy that they have treated me with enough decency to remind me of the girl I once was. And slowly, I am making my way back to her.
I am doing the hard things to instill discipline and purpose back into my life. I am building habits and taking care of myself in a way that shows love and admiration for myself. Exercising, eating right, reducing alcohol consumption, getting a daily planner again, making long-term/short-term new career goals.
I may have taken a detour, but I am on the right track now.
This doesn't mean that I'm no longer fun or can't do many of the things I enjoyed doing in the past... it just means I'm going to be a lot more thoughtful about who I chose to do them with and who is deserving of my time. Because I've learned that my time is a precious resource, and who I choose to allow into my life, for whatever duration, can have a great impact on my mental health and life choices, whether I'm consciously aware of it or not.
When I was 22, I entered into a relationship that would change my life forever. I didn't think much of myself, or I felt I should be punished for some reason (I don't even remember my thought process now), but I ended up in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And I stayed in it for 2 years.
I think I learned a lot of lessons during that time. Lessons that would take years of processing to undue. First, I didn't see myself as valuable. I based my value off of the validation of my partner. Second, I compromised my values and integrity for a chance to feel love. I thought being flexible in that way would allow me to keep the person I admired. Third, I started hiding my thoughts and opinions. I used to be outspoken, but I became compliant, afraid to offend others with my beliefs and preferences.
Slowly, over the course of all of these years, I saw small things slipping away piece by piece, but I didn't see what I was becoming. I thought I was still the same old me and that all of these losts and hurts were just happenstance. I didn't realize that they were consequences from the new life outlook I had developed under that situation. It changed me. ...And although I felt it, deep down I know I felt it, I refused to see it or address it.
Over the course of this last year, I have dated 2 men that were kind enough (not perfect, of course... but better than what I had been exposing myself too), that I began to see traces of light of my old self. That familiar light would shine momentarily from underneath the dark curtain that I have been hiding under for so long.
I give him angst, but the 46 year old man (ND) that I recently posted about was one of these individuals that brought out that light in me. The second, is the most recent person that I'm seeing (AJ). And to be honest, I don't think that I'm meant to be with either of these people. But I am happy that they have treated me with enough decency to remind me of the girl I once was. And slowly, I am making my way back to her.
I am doing the hard things to instill discipline and purpose back into my life. I am building habits and taking care of myself in a way that shows love and admiration for myself. Exercising, eating right, reducing alcohol consumption, getting a daily planner again, making long-term/short-term new career goals.
I may have taken a detour, but I am on the right track now.
This doesn't mean that I'm no longer fun or can't do many of the things I enjoyed doing in the past... it just means I'm going to be a lot more thoughtful about who I chose to do them with and who is deserving of my time. Because I've learned that my time is a precious resource, and who I choose to allow into my life, for whatever duration, can have a great impact on my mental health and life choices, whether I'm consciously aware of it or not.
31-35, F
