I’m afraid of growing… it might seem silly bc here I am 35 years in and i dont know what to do or how to ground myself

I spent the last 10 yrs having a major crush on my neighbor and that grounded me- but now that I realize he’s stupid and doesn’t deserve me and i dont know what To do for a job anymore or who i want to be … I honestly feel like I’m lost…The fear part is not knowing what to do besides going back to things that don’t make me happy, bc it’s safe…I feel dumb and lost these days. I anm not liking this drifting through life feeling… Anyone have tips for staying grounded while being lost?