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Should I still keep this appointment?

My dad was diagnosed just two weeks ago with aggressive Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's fast growing and if you are compromised, the doctor does not want to do chemo Bec it is often fatal..even low dose. But he had told us two weeks ago maybe another doctor would do it. To get a second opinion if we wanted. So I got another doctor opinion, but at the same hospital. He was more experienced and also said, in more cases than not the chemo will kill the patient before they just went naturally.

My sister thought we should get a third opinion from a separate facility. (Our family member is a oncology doctor and she believes he would possibly have the cancer controlled on low dose, even being compromised. She also said get another opinion)

We have a video call in three days, it took a week to set it up. But now my dad's getting worse, he's moved from the hospital into hospice two days ago. Just two days ago he was pretty alert and only rested a bit. Today he's been asleep my whole visit and very abrasive, refusing any drink or food. Saying let me rest. He's never ever acted this way. He's getting more fatigued from the cancer. Do I keep the third opinion appointment? My sister says yes it took her a while just to register him at a different facility. But I am 99 percent certain it will be no chemo, as an opinion. He has still fluid in lungs and can barely stay awake. What do you think?
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Pretzel · 70-79, M
my dad's doctor once told me that pneumonia is the "old man's friend".

if you keep the appointment the important question is "IF he gets chemo - how much longer would it be reasonable to assume he could live. "

I'm betting you're talking weeks or months and the chemo won't be good.

Here's the big question - and there's no judgement either way - "who am I trying to do this for? For my dad so that he gets the absolute best care given his circumstances or are we just trying to keep the final outcome as far away as possible for the family?

If he's not going to get better and get into remission...it might be kinder to keep him comfortable and spend as much time as you can with him.

I'll throw this in here too - I missed seeing my dad before he died by an hour or so - it was during COVID and we couldn't visit - just talk to him on the phone.

When they put him in hospice it was knowing his death was imminent.

You may not be there when he passes. If you aren't...don't beat yourself up over it. People die in the middle of the night. The die when somebody takes a nap or gets something to eat.

If he is as good a guy as I think - he doesn't want you to suffer either.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Pretzel Thank you truly. My sister keeps pushing this appointment Bec our family member thought at diagnosis two weeks ago, it could have been controlled on a low dose. But yes the oncologist we spoke to at the hospital said if the treatment works at all..it'd be a month more to live, and he'd be very ill. So I really think we are going to cancel the appointment. The cancer is just such an aggressive type. I'm sorry about your dad🌼 I think I'd be ok if I'm not present when he passes, it's just that Bec of my anxiety disorder I fear my heart rate will go off the chart and ill be so panicked that im hearing hes gone. I'm trying to acclimate myself each day to it. That even though I don't KNOW where he's going next, I'm agnostic, I know he'll be with me. And I told him tonight I'll be with you too.
Pretzel · 70-79, M
@Coralmist feel free to vent - before and after

losing your parent is traumatic - even if you've had some time to prepare for it.

and don't feel guilty once it's over to feel relief.

you're going to get through this.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Pretzel I TRULY needed that last line. Thank you 🍀
Wiseacre · F
@Pretzel idk how anyone could call pneumonia a friend. It is horrific to watch someone expire from pneumonia. I will never forget…