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Should I still keep this appointment?

My dad was diagnosed just two weeks ago with aggressive Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's fast growing and if you are compromised, the doctor does not want to do chemo Bec it is often fatal..even low dose. But he had told us two weeks ago maybe another doctor would do it. To get a second opinion if we wanted. So I got another doctor opinion, but at the same hospital. He was more experienced and also said, in more cases than not the chemo will kill the patient before they just went naturally.

My sister thought we should get a third opinion from a separate facility. (Our family member is a oncology doctor and she believes he would possibly have the cancer controlled on low dose, even being compromised. She also said get another opinion)

We have a video call in three days, it took a week to set it up. But now my dad's getting worse, he's moved from the hospital into hospice two days ago. Just two days ago he was pretty alert and only rested a bit. Today he's been asleep my whole visit and very abrasive, refusing any drink or food. Saying let me rest. He's never ever acted this way. He's getting more fatigued from the cancer. Do I keep the third opinion appointment? My sister says yes it took her a while just to register him at a different facility. But I am 99 percent certain it will be no chemo, as an opinion. He has still fluid in lungs and can barely stay awake. What do you think?
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Pretzel · 70-79, M
my dad's doctor once told me that pneumonia is the "old man's friend".

if you keep the appointment the important question is "IF he gets chemo - how much longer would it be reasonable to assume he could live. "

I'm betting you're talking weeks or months and the chemo won't be good.

Here's the big question - and there's no judgement either way - "who am I trying to do this for? For my dad so that he gets the absolute best care given his circumstances or are we just trying to keep the final outcome as far away as possible for the family?

If he's not going to get better and get into remission...it might be kinder to keep him comfortable and spend as much time as you can with him.

I'll throw this in here too - I missed seeing my dad before he died by an hour or so - it was during COVID and we couldn't visit - just talk to him on the phone.

When they put him in hospice it was knowing his death was imminent.

You may not be there when he passes. If you aren't...don't beat yourself up over it. People die in the middle of the night. The die when somebody takes a nap or gets something to eat.

If he is as good a guy as I think - he doesn't want you to suffer either.
Pretzel · 70-79, M
@Coralmist feel free to vent - before and after

losing your parent is traumatic - even if you've had some time to prepare for it.

and don't feel guilty once it's over to feel relief.

you're going to get through this.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Pretzel I TRULY needed that last line. Thank you 🍀
Wiseacre · F
@Pretzel idk how anyone could call pneumonia a friend. It is horrific to watch someone expire from pneumonia. I will never forget…
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
I can't really tell you what to do but I would not go.
When my husband was in his last stages he didn't eat or drink and he mostly slept ,one day he stopped talking ;it is all part of the process and it is normal.
Chemo is very hard on your body even in younger and not as advance patients.
We chose not to get chemo because the cancer was so advanced and we knew it would cause him more suffering than either of us wanted him to have in his final days.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@Justmeraeagain Same experience here. It's so sad, to be this rapid. No one deserves this. Ty so much🌸. I don't believe keeping the video appointment makes sense.
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
@Coralmist
It is very hard.
I am sorry your family has to go through this.
twiigss · M
My dad had chemotherapy done on his cancer, but that's all I know. Whether it was a high or low dose, I don't know that.

As I mentioned before, the cancer went into remission, then it came back, then it went away so I'm not exactly sure where he is at with it.
What would your Dad want? If he is a "fighter", then get a 3rd opinion. But if he is exhausted and only wants to sleep, then you have to ask yourself: Is this something YOU want or something HE wants? Act according to his wishes, NOT yours!
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@Coralmist ALL terminal diseases are AWFUL! My Dad's was too! He decidedly refused to eat or drink for a week, before he passed away. Your Dad may only be agreeing to chemo for your benefit. Have a heart-to-heart with him, and ask him to be honest with you, and tell him you will abide with whatever decision he makes. It is better to choose our own path freely, than not. Spend as much time as you can with him.❤
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@whowasthatmaskedman A few days ago he said ok to a third opinion. But that's how rapid this is, just three days later he's barely talking, just sleep, and refused water or food.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
I think you should consult your father.... The question to ask, doesnt he wish to be left alone as things are? Or does he wish to try this alternative (explain the details and possible outcomes). This really should be about what he wants right now..😷

 
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