Finding self help overwhelming

Have you ever felt just like real healing or real self love or real love in general, is always out of reach?
If you've watched videos on confidence, read many books on healing anxiety , minimizing PTSD symptoms, etc..but it's always all on YOU. Changing my entire blueprint is Extremely difficult. A blueprint of trauma, violence, fear. I'm trying to give myself compassion. That's super hard too, I lived on eggshells daily for many years.( Not To laugh, or even allowed to Talk sometimes.)
I read it's our responsibility to try to diminish the trauma, but when you have to figure out an entire SELF, and develop your own self love, it's overwhelming sometimes. I occasionally think, can love ever come from anywhere else, and what if ever feeling normal is out of my reach???

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greencompass · 36-40, F

I'm reading a book right now on trauma in an effort to help myself. It is daunting and I'm only on the first section of the book.
I think if we have a shot at improving ourselves, it won't be just by reading a book or through our individual efforts alone. It took people to mess us up; it may also take people to help us up.

what if ever feeling normal is out of my reach???

This is why I'm medicated af. Need all the help I can get. In all seriousness, I think about that question too. Then again, who's to say we should all be normal anyway?

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@greencompass That's true, it's just really unrealistic to do it all on our own . Thanks🪻 unfortunately I have no one to support me. I'm trying to meet up with a friend I have not seen in 30 years but I feel so tainted and inadequate even as a FRIEND. 🥺 I am wary to try meds because of side effects or suicidal thoughts, although those mostly occur in people under 25 on some meds.
I guess I don't need normalcy but I do want to heal always being fearful of new people, new experiences etc. it's really making my life small 🙁

greencompass · 36-40, F

@Coralmist

it's just really unrealistic to do it all on our own

It really is. Buying in completely into the whole "self-help" paradigm shifts the responsibility to help people onto the individual alone and neglects to consider more systemic factors.

I hope you find at least some support from SW. 30 years - you'll have a lot you can talk about then. How come you feel that way as a friend? About meds, you do what you think is best for you. It's not for everyone. I understand the feeling of one's life feeling small. I do hope you can heal in the ways you need, slowly but surely.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@greencompass I feel so broken and unwhole, I fear even a friend would look down on how small my life is rn. Most of my friends that I don't have contact with anymore, all had jobs or married, kids, etc. And I have none of that. So I get very nervous of how my friend I have not seen in 30 years will view me. I know I'm magnifying it because anxiety lies. But it's so hard to find any confidence currently.

greencompass · 36-40, F

@Coralmist I'm so sorry you're feeling broken and unwhole. I hope they are a good friend and would only be interested in your well-being and not compare your life to some societal standard. You aren't alone in not having those things. I like to think that each of us is made up of a universe of experiences, memories, ideas, thoughts, plans, and fantasies, etc. So whatever may be going on in our outside lives, we all have a whole inner world to explore and draw upon. What kinds of things have given you some confidence in the past?

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@greencompass I had a good friend ditch me after 27 years of friendship because she did compare me to societal standards. I wasn't able to have my own home to invite her over, as she always invited me over her place. But we often met out at a restaurant anyway. And now I'm super self conscious making new friends from here, feeling less than others.
That's true I am more than secondary things, I'm also my hopes and kindness and experiences. Thanks Green🌻
I can't even remember when I last felt confident. I guess I'm feeling joy when I record music or sing, and I was confident in my nanny job years ago. I was a loving, attentive nanny until one experience now has broken THAT too.
Ty for your words today , appreciate your support 🌺

greencompass · 36-40, F

@Coralmist I'm sorry your 'friend' did that to you..that's hurts. I hope you come across new friends that appreciate you for you, not for your societal status.
I've heard your singing, you sing well, and you got me to sing along to Boyz II Men with you haha. I think you can be confident in that - and I hope you keep feeling that joy. (I was a nanny too! And something happened to end that for me too haha). I really hope your meeting with your other friend goes well for both of you🙂