I’m holding it together but I wish I could let it all go lol
I look so calm and not frazzled a bit on the outside. Even one of my co workers said that when shit hits the fan I seem unfazed and she was “wondering how I do it”. Truth is is I’m freaking out on the inside; I’m just a weirdo who can’t cry when I want to. I do hold it all together and even when I know it’s safe to let go I’ll fight myself to stay in that stiffness. Smh.
Life sucks right now and I’m still in denial emotionally because I don’t want to wobble the stiffness. My friend today even told me how she admired my positivity around all this new restriction crap happening in the county. She said I’d be a good arts and crafts teacher with a real lesson to share in positive words. Again truth be told I wish I coulda told her how I really felt inside...You see, smh, I hold it all together not just for myself but for the ones around me too. *Big breath in* sigh* Yup..
No one knows how my tummy bubbles with every angry thought about the way things are bein run. People don’t feel the strain in my chest and back from holding my broken heart in place. The rock in my throat blocking the tears from spouting out followed by a howling shout... I bet if I did let it go I’d feel better, but it’s the fear of actually “feeling” that stops me. I question if I can handle feeling without disappearing. And it’s the fear of the future that tingles my bones. Both of these fears together create a strong wall not shifting no where.... and I know the anxiety comes from wanting to control it. I tell myself this and it does make me feel better because I know it’s true. I don’t Need To control everything. It’s nice to remember that it’s not all up to me. But I also know that Joy is not the release I’m looking for. Joy is good and it helps. But The freedom to put down the weight of carrying is what I want. Not a “brace” to make it “easier.”
Maybe we won’t be so lucky to ever put it down. It might just have to be the new reality we have to accept. All in all I wish love and beauty and good nature upon us all. G’night ❤️
Life sucks right now and I’m still in denial emotionally because I don’t want to wobble the stiffness. My friend today even told me how she admired my positivity around all this new restriction crap happening in the county. She said I’d be a good arts and crafts teacher with a real lesson to share in positive words. Again truth be told I wish I coulda told her how I really felt inside...You see, smh, I hold it all together not just for myself but for the ones around me too. *Big breath in* sigh* Yup..
No one knows how my tummy bubbles with every angry thought about the way things are bein run. People don’t feel the strain in my chest and back from holding my broken heart in place. The rock in my throat blocking the tears from spouting out followed by a howling shout... I bet if I did let it go I’d feel better, but it’s the fear of actually “feeling” that stops me. I question if I can handle feeling without disappearing. And it’s the fear of the future that tingles my bones. Both of these fears together create a strong wall not shifting no where.... and I know the anxiety comes from wanting to control it. I tell myself this and it does make me feel better because I know it’s true. I don’t Need To control everything. It’s nice to remember that it’s not all up to me. But I also know that Joy is not the release I’m looking for. Joy is good and it helps. But The freedom to put down the weight of carrying is what I want. Not a “brace” to make it “easier.”
Maybe we won’t be so lucky to ever put it down. It might just have to be the new reality we have to accept. All in all I wish love and beauty and good nature upon us all. G’night ❤️
31-35, F
