Sailing on open water
I wish there were a way for me to find something good in myself or about myself. I’ve spent almost an entire lifetime trying to give and to care for other people. And yet still, I can’t find a single iota of worth when I look upon my visage in the mirror.
Just another bum in a world of bums. Just another blade of grass in a field of grass. Full in the knowing that the lawnmower comes to cut me down to size yet again if ever I feel too tall.
I’m 55 years old as I type these thoughts. I look back and see all the kindnesses I’ve given away to people that seemed worth it at the time. Too many of them have more than I do now.
I have $200 in savings, and $38 in my checking account. Thankfully enough I spent all of the last year paying all of my bills on time. But now there’s 2 bills due and the weight of my existence calls on me to ask exactly where it is that I went wrong?
I’ve worked part time since I was 12 years old and full time since I was 15. I’ve scraped and clawed my way to the top of the food chain in the position I hold now.
But there was never any surplus and even when there wasn’t I gave to those I thought needed or deserved it more than I. Too often placing myself in a hole.
But now here I am. Looking back upon it all and I can see the many instances where I was wrong or misled into such instances of giving. Here I am now giving still. Wondering how if I look back I’ll see the same thing tomorrow as I stare at my today’s? I’m pretty sure that I will.
I’ll find that all my giving amounted to naught and I’ll find that I was simply taken advantage of today in the ways I was taken advantage of way back then.
It’s a shame I never broke the cycle of trying to help more than I could.
I have always had this lingering thought that I would die alone. Abandoned by every single person I tried to help. Tonight I feel assured of it. I stare at everything inside my current situation and it hits me like a stone to the eye on a cold winter morning.
There’s no time left at all to right the ship, but I can probably keep it from sinking. Just listed and floundering shall I sail this ship as I continue to sail along. I shall sail this hull listing and floundering into its final berth.
Perhaps in the end of things, I’ll be considered fondly in the recollection of those I’ve assisted along my journey. But more probably, I’ll be dismissed and forgotten by all the people whose lives I thought I touched.
Either way, the tides still turn and my sails aback. Just waiting on the final wind to beach me or bring me to a port.
Just another bum in a world of bums. Just another blade of grass in a field of grass. Full in the knowing that the lawnmower comes to cut me down to size yet again if ever I feel too tall.
I’m 55 years old as I type these thoughts. I look back and see all the kindnesses I’ve given away to people that seemed worth it at the time. Too many of them have more than I do now.
I have $200 in savings, and $38 in my checking account. Thankfully enough I spent all of the last year paying all of my bills on time. But now there’s 2 bills due and the weight of my existence calls on me to ask exactly where it is that I went wrong?
I’ve worked part time since I was 12 years old and full time since I was 15. I’ve scraped and clawed my way to the top of the food chain in the position I hold now.
But there was never any surplus and even when there wasn’t I gave to those I thought needed or deserved it more than I. Too often placing myself in a hole.
But now here I am. Looking back upon it all and I can see the many instances where I was wrong or misled into such instances of giving. Here I am now giving still. Wondering how if I look back I’ll see the same thing tomorrow as I stare at my today’s? I’m pretty sure that I will.
I’ll find that all my giving amounted to naught and I’ll find that I was simply taken advantage of today in the ways I was taken advantage of way back then.
It’s a shame I never broke the cycle of trying to help more than I could.
I have always had this lingering thought that I would die alone. Abandoned by every single person I tried to help. Tonight I feel assured of it. I stare at everything inside my current situation and it hits me like a stone to the eye on a cold winter morning.
There’s no time left at all to right the ship, but I can probably keep it from sinking. Just listed and floundering shall I sail this ship as I continue to sail along. I shall sail this hull listing and floundering into its final berth.
Perhaps in the end of things, I’ll be considered fondly in the recollection of those I’ve assisted along my journey. But more probably, I’ll be dismissed and forgotten by all the people whose lives I thought I touched.
Either way, the tides still turn and my sails aback. Just waiting on the final wind to beach me or bring me to a port.
