Why coffee is better than sex

You can have it in public... and no one calls the cops.

You can finish in 2 minutes and nobody complains.

You can enjoy it alone guilt-free.

No awkward small talk afterwards.

It doesn’t judge your morning breath.

You don’t need to fake anything, it always delivers.

Comes in different flavors and sizes. All satisfying.

If you spill it, nobody cries (unless it's your last cup).

You can have it with your boss and not get fired.

It doesn't leave you with a "what did I just do?" feeling.

No one expects you to cuddle with your espresso machine.

You can have it multiple times a day without raising eyebrows.

Even bad coffee is still... coffee.

It never says, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”

You can take it to bed… and it won’t hog the blankets.

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Bleed · 41-45, F

To do this justice i'm gonna take it point by point.

1. Why coffee is better than sex - If you believe that you're doing it wrong

2. You can have it in public... and no one calls the cops. - Sex in public is fun. I've never been caught but that's where the thrill is.

3. You can finish in 2 minutes and nobody complains. - It's all about quality not duration. Hit my buttons right and I can cum faster than you. Also refer back to point 2. Get in, get off, get out.

4. You can enjoy it alone guilt-free. - No one feels guilty for solo missions unless they use their mates/siblings things to clean themselves off.[/b]

5. No awkward small talk afterwards. - Ball gag

6. It doesn’t judge your morning breath. - I can't smell your breath if your face is clamped between my thighs.

7. You don’t need to fake anything, it always delivers. - You don't need to fake anything just prepare for round 2.

8. Comes in different flavors and sizes. All satisfying. - Same. You just need to know what you're working with.

9. If you spill it, nobody cries (unless it's your last cup). - Mess is best and if i'm crying then you deserve a medal!

10. You can have it with your boss and not get fired. - This is also true for sex but a great coffee never got anyone promoted.

11. It doesn't leave you with a "what did I just do?" feeling. - Not always a bad thing especially if it now lives rent free in my head.

12. No one expects you to cuddle with your espresso machine. - Handcuffs and rope is always an option.

14. You can have it multiple times a day without raising eyebrows. - I wanna say "Oh you sweet summer child" but you should be way past that. Are you doing okay?

15. Even bad coffee is still... coffee. - Bad sex is still sex and at least I didn't have to pay for it.

16. It never says, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” - Orgasms can help alleviate headaches by redirecting blood flow.

17. I can take it to bed… and it won’t hog the blankets. - Baby if i'm climbing into your bed I deserve all the fucking blankets 😈