I had a revelation about myself the other day

That I'm afraid of trusting others and letting them get close. It cracked me open, I'd been unconsciously deceiving myself with narratives like "I don't care, i don't need people".

I was really afraid of feeling like I don't matter, being disappointed, feeling abandoned when I'd been abandoning myself first.

It really effected me for the rest of the day, but now that it's conscious I can actually make the choice, instead of unconscious self protection.