Does anyone ever feeling this way?

I am a 21-year-old woman, and I don’t know how to do makeup(i dont mean to be pick me girl)—maybe I can only use powder or cushion and lipstick, but I mean real makeup, the kind that truly looks like makeup.

I can’t dress up in a way that’s too feminine. Even though I really want to.

Actually, there are some factors behind all of this, but never mind.

I feel like I don’t deserve to feel beautiful or to do things like that.
Even just wearing lipstick, sometimes I feel like it’s too much… If I already put on lipstick, I usually end up wiping it off, even though it’s not even that much. My friend sometimes says:

“Why do you look so pale?”
And I reply, “No, I already put on lipstick.”

Sometimes i wanna be like them.. But inside me telling me
'I dont deserve it, everybody will judge you'