When I get depressed, I take home pregnancy tests. Because no matter how bad things get, at least I'm not pregnant

If it showed up positive, you would have a different set of worries.

You won't be pregnant, but men can get a positive. A positive pregnancy test in a male can indicate a serious underlying medical condition, most commonly testicular cancer or another serious condition.
Pregnancy tests detect human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), a hormone normally produced during pregnancy. In men, hCG is usually undetectable or extremely low. A measurable level of hCG in a male suggests abnormal production, often from germ cell tumors in the testicles, which can secrete hCG into the bloodstream and urine, triggering a positive test result.