I am hiding at my mountainhome 3 days now since I arrived, I didn't hike down to the village

One reason is money. Nothing to buy, not even a coffee.

Another reason is my period - otherwise, I could go to swim in the sea.

Another reason is, my wounds at my feet, that are still not healed.

But the deepest reason, the serious one, is that I am freaking scared of seeing friends.
It is strange and weird but I am so scared to meet with them.
Scared that I will abandon myself in order to accommodate them.
Scared that if I do not abandon myself, I will be perceived as cold, or distant or, whatever else.

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Miram · 31-35, F

I do something similar at times by meeting people where they're emotionally, despite the fact that they cannot do the same for me. It can be very draining.

I end up often side tracking my own needs to tend to theirs.

Not that I blame people for not being able to connect to me as deeply as I connect to them. We all have differing abilities and growth stages. It is just that it can hurt. There is a type of aloneness you only experience then.

I understand why you want to hide.

Boeing · 36-40

@Miram thank you Miram 💜 it means a lot.

You are right about the depth of meeting with people and I do experience this drainage, of trying to meet them where they're at, or at least, trying to bridge the gap. Sometimes it gets pretty bad, to the point I'm doing the work of processing their emotions for them. It has taken me a lifetime to realize what I am doing..

We don't need to listen to everyone's stories in the end. I need to begin communicating through my presence that I'm not there for it, especially when I know it is the time to keep the energy to myself.
The difficulty is, I want to be there for people.
But not all moments are the same, so some moments I can and some others I cannot.

Babal · 46-50, M

Seems you are in an extremely tough situation.One thing i would say if i am there u wont have to abandon your self and i won't judge you...

Boeing · 36-40

@Babal but see the thing is, I am not explaining to anyone my situation, from the outside you see a happy and strong woman, and it is tough to communicate myself.
Thank you for saying that.
My hyper independence is driving but at least I know it and I see what is happening.

It's going to be alright, I am going to go out, it doesn't matter if it takes few more days.

if i am there u wont have to abandon your self and i won't judge you...

Thank you 🩷

Babal · 46-50, M

@Boeing you're welcome 🩷.You are definitely a very strong woman,and i pray soon you'll be in a better situation that currently you are experiencing.

Boeing · 36-40

@Babal thank you. I am good actually. As long as I stay at my hiding place heh .. Soon thing will change and I appreciate the support I received here, from you and all who interacted 😌🙏🏼

UnderLockDown · M

Hang out and soak up the alone time. Sounds fantastic to me. No guilt, no stress.

Boeing · 36-40

@UnderLockDown yes that's what I am doing for the most part, but the day is long you know...:)

UnderLockDown · M

@Boeing Nature walks, fishing?

Boeing · 36-40

@UnderLockDown I need to move a bit, go for a hike or something, I have only been walking around the valley up here, 5-10 min max one direction, then getting back, then 5-10 min to the other direction

EldritchFox · 41-45, F

How will you abandon yourself to accommodate them?

It is okay to sometimes be cold and distant to protect yourself.

Do you not consider them as great of friends now?

Boeing · 36-40

@EldritchFox It's a very small place and so the community..it is not just a single friend

I abandon myself to accommodate them by being overly sweet sometimes, allowing them to give me a little attention, or being overly accepting in listening to dark deep stories way too soon too fast...
I abandon myself by saying no when I mean yes, because the situation requires faster process than mine, or when I say yes when I mean no, similarly..

It is that, I returned back after a year I've been gone, I've changed, I don't want to appear too cold, but also it is not easy.. the fine line as Sage wrote in another comment..

SageWanderer · 70-79, M

It’s a normal thing I suppose. After a trauma it’s difficult to get back into society. Fine line between self abandonment and just being accommodating. Self care first, then evaluation of boundaries.

Boeing · 36-40

@SageWanderer I need to get out that trauma finally, it's been years.
At least I can admit that I am scared and I can see what is happening, as far as I can see..
As you say though, self care first - then slow and easy, I might take another day or two, it won't harm anyone..

candycane · 36-40, F

well im kind of doing that now as well,im not in the mood to talk to anyone,so they can think whatever they want,im looking after ME,u should do the same

Boeing · 36-40

@candycane hugs cane...

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