How do I tell my son he is adopted
I adopted my son when he was 2 months old and now he is 17 and I feel like that it time he knows but I don’t know how a friend of his died recently I just think it might to much for him
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greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
I was adopted. Since no one hid it from me, I never had to be "told" about it. I think it is not good to withhold that kind of information because it makes it appear that something is wrong about it. You have kept it a secret, probably to make him feel secure and not different from other kids. So now you have to decide what, if anything, to do about it.
Why now? You've kept it from him all these years. Is there some kind of reason he has to find out now?
In cases like this, the person doesn't need to know about it until the adoption papers are discovered after the death of the adoptive parents. Maybe you could consider just letting that happen. You could write a letter to your son and leave it with the family papers and documents for him to find someday.
Of course, in cases like this, it is often the case that your son already knows; these kinds of secrets are very hard to keep. Relatives who shouldn't talk about it do, or the adoptee overhears something, or a cousin gets mad while they're playing and shouts it out as an insult. In cases like this, someone nearly always tells the adoptee sooner or later. If you do decide to talk to him about it, it might surprise you that someone else got there first.
Why now? You've kept it from him all these years. Is there some kind of reason he has to find out now?
In cases like this, the person doesn't need to know about it until the adoption papers are discovered after the death of the adoptive parents. Maybe you could consider just letting that happen. You could write a letter to your son and leave it with the family papers and documents for him to find someday.
Of course, in cases like this, it is often the case that your son already knows; these kinds of secrets are very hard to keep. Relatives who shouldn't talk about it do, or the adoptee overhears something, or a cousin gets mad while they're playing and shouts it out as an insult. In cases like this, someone nearly always tells the adoptee sooner or later. If you do decide to talk to him about it, it might surprise you that someone else got there first.
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
@greenmountaingal I have to agree. My niece knows her biological father is a doctor in Toronto and didn’t want her and her father Now adopted her as a baby.
AliceMortem · 31-35, F
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
5thApprentice · 31-35, M
Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M
EugenieLaBorgia · F
SW-User
Kudos for adopting what ever the reason. That's a tough situation, without knowing your emotional relationship its hard to say. Hes probably hurting now because of his friend and may have been hurting awhile because hes adopted. Chances are he'll hurt again. Id go with @Adelh91 and give him some space for now on the adoption thing! Offer support over his friend.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@SW-User People who adopt children are no better, nor worse, than any other parents. They do not deserve "kudos" as if they did the poor lowly child a special favor; they wanted/needed a child; the child wanted/needed parents. Most parents who bear children take good care of them. Most parents who adopt children take good care of them, too. Studies show no difference in quality of care between regular and adoptive parents. In other words, at least statistically, an adoptive parent is just as likely (or unlikely) to abuse a child as a regular parent. However, adoptive children find that they do not dare complain about abuse for fear of seeming "ungrateful" for being "taken in" by their parents. That is why it is better to assume that people who adopt children are just like other parents, not somehow morally superior or extra compassionate people.
I apologize for the lecture, but as someone who was adopted and suffered severe and extreme abuse, I just hate to hear automatic "kudos" handed out to adoptive parents just because they adopted. I remember how hard it was to consider complaining because everyone thinks adoptive parents are especially virtuous and loving. Unfortunately, as with other parents, it is not always the case. I am speaking in general terms, of course, having no reason to think anything is wrong in this particular case. Just a comment I felt I had to make about the general subject of adoptive parents.
I apologize for the lecture, but as someone who was adopted and suffered severe and extreme abuse, I just hate to hear automatic "kudos" handed out to adoptive parents just because they adopted. I remember how hard it was to consider complaining because everyone thinks adoptive parents are especially virtuous and loving. Unfortunately, as with other parents, it is not always the case. I am speaking in general terms, of course, having no reason to think anything is wrong in this particular case. Just a comment I felt I had to make about the general subject of adoptive parents.
sighmeupforthat · 46-50, M
SW-User
Wait until he is mature enough to handle it.
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greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@SW-User He will find out, sooner or later, assuming he outlives his parents. The adoption papers will show up someday when he's cleaning out his parents stuff after they've died. Lots of middle aged adults find out that way. And it happens at a time when they are not only grieving the loss of a parent, but fully responsible for taking care of all the troublesome details of the parent's passing.