It's been one year and 143 days since it last happened
And I should have seen it coming
The evening started as any other. Kids get home from school and do their homework.
It's Thursday so it's our daughter's night to pick dinner.
She wanted pork chops, Velveeta shells Mac and cheese and s'mores for dessert.
As the kids were doing their homework I realized I'd did put the pork chops in the fridge to defrost. In a panic I text Joel to see if he can bring some home.
He gets home and sets the pork chops on the table. They are the kind with bones in them. My daughter notices and I can tell she's upset. Joel sees it to and together they remove the bones from the chops. (My daughter and I both have issues with eating meat still on the bone). As they do that I go to the pantry to get the Velveeta mac and cheese and the box isn't there. We only have craft mac and cheese. Star most of used it for lunch. I tell our daughter this and she isn't happy. She picked it out and she knew we had some. But she said she'd be okay with the Kraft. She doesn't talk much during dinner and she barely eats. I should have noticed.
Tonight is her cello lessons. She gets ready for her cello lessons. The lessons start at 6:15. Nothing . She is getting upset and is looking out the window waiting for her instructor to show up. I finally get a text from her instructor at 6:30 saying she forgot about the lesson and wasn't going to make it.
I should of seen it then. I told her about the text and suggested she practice on her own. She did but the way she played tonight was different. It was rushed, almost angry. Joel even asked me if she was okay. I should of noticed. While she played I got everyone laundry out of there rooms. I always shut her door to her room. I always lock it because she doesn't like her brothers to go in her room. I thought I did. She finished playing and put her cello up. I asked if she wanted s'mores and she said no and she got in her bean bag chair and put in air pods. I started the laundry and Joel took a quick shower.
We turn on the fireplace and everyone settled down. The boys are playing in their rug. I start to relax.
Dad Buddy unplugged my air pods again they are dead she yells out
Honey you have the extra pair in your room.
She gets up and goes to her room.
Dad you forgot to shut my door.
Before I can answer her she lets out the loudest scream. I haven't heard that in one year and 143 days. I jump up and run to the bathroom. It's been one year and 143 days since I've had to get her medicine. I get it out the lock box with our meds in it and remove her medicine and fill the dropper full. I run to her room. She standing there screaming and hitting herself in the head. I rush to her and pull her close. Everyone else is standing in the doorway afraid and unsure what to do.
I pull her close to me and hold her. I get the dropper in her mouth and get the medicine in her. I then let her go. She screams and starts hitting me. I let her do this. I let her get it all out. It doesn't take long for the medicine to kick in and I pull her close. I hold her up but I let her hit me. She screams and hits me for about 30 seconds then stops and I can feel her go limp.
Dad
I got you baby girl I'm sorry
One year and 143 days
We sit down and I can tell she's out. I hold her close. She got me good in the face and I can feel my nose bleeding. Once I know she's asleep I pick her up and carry her back to the living room. I lay her on her beanbag chair and cover her up. I put her air pods in her ears and play her music.
Daddy I'm sorry
Buddy go to your room I yell
But daddy
Now I yell. I never tell at my kids.
He turns and runs to his room. I sit on the ground next to her and hold her head. She's out cold she will be for the rest of the night. Joel most of our the boys to bed. I didn't notice. I couldn't take my eye off her.
One year and 143 days was the last time she had a meltdown like this. I should of seen it coming. I should of noticed.
I feel Joel touch me. He pulls me close and I cried like I haven't cried in years. Probably since my sister died.
I always pull her door shut to her room I said.
Hey it's not your fault
He's wrong it was completely my fault
It must of happened when I was doing laundry and Joel was in the shower. Our youngest most of gotten up to go to the bathroom and noticed her bedroom door open. He went in there and knocked her violin down and messed up her books. That was all it took. After everything else she couldn't take it. I failed my baby girl.
I completely failed her tonight because I was to tired to pay attention.
The evening started as any other. Kids get home from school and do their homework.
It's Thursday so it's our daughter's night to pick dinner.
She wanted pork chops, Velveeta shells Mac and cheese and s'mores for dessert.
As the kids were doing their homework I realized I'd did put the pork chops in the fridge to defrost. In a panic I text Joel to see if he can bring some home.
He gets home and sets the pork chops on the table. They are the kind with bones in them. My daughter notices and I can tell she's upset. Joel sees it to and together they remove the bones from the chops. (My daughter and I both have issues with eating meat still on the bone). As they do that I go to the pantry to get the Velveeta mac and cheese and the box isn't there. We only have craft mac and cheese. Star most of used it for lunch. I tell our daughter this and she isn't happy. She picked it out and she knew we had some. But she said she'd be okay with the Kraft. She doesn't talk much during dinner and she barely eats. I should have noticed.
Tonight is her cello lessons. She gets ready for her cello lessons. The lessons start at 6:15. Nothing . She is getting upset and is looking out the window waiting for her instructor to show up. I finally get a text from her instructor at 6:30 saying she forgot about the lesson and wasn't going to make it.
I should of seen it then. I told her about the text and suggested she practice on her own. She did but the way she played tonight was different. It was rushed, almost angry. Joel even asked me if she was okay. I should of noticed. While she played I got everyone laundry out of there rooms. I always shut her door to her room. I always lock it because she doesn't like her brothers to go in her room. I thought I did. She finished playing and put her cello up. I asked if she wanted s'mores and she said no and she got in her bean bag chair and put in air pods. I started the laundry and Joel took a quick shower.
We turn on the fireplace and everyone settled down. The boys are playing in their rug. I start to relax.
Dad Buddy unplugged my air pods again they are dead she yells out
Honey you have the extra pair in your room.
She gets up and goes to her room.
Dad you forgot to shut my door.
Before I can answer her she lets out the loudest scream. I haven't heard that in one year and 143 days. I jump up and run to the bathroom. It's been one year and 143 days since I've had to get her medicine. I get it out the lock box with our meds in it and remove her medicine and fill the dropper full. I run to her room. She standing there screaming and hitting herself in the head. I rush to her and pull her close. Everyone else is standing in the doorway afraid and unsure what to do.
I pull her close to me and hold her. I get the dropper in her mouth and get the medicine in her. I then let her go. She screams and starts hitting me. I let her do this. I let her get it all out. It doesn't take long for the medicine to kick in and I pull her close. I hold her up but I let her hit me. She screams and hits me for about 30 seconds then stops and I can feel her go limp.
Dad
I got you baby girl I'm sorry
One year and 143 days
We sit down and I can tell she's out. I hold her close. She got me good in the face and I can feel my nose bleeding. Once I know she's asleep I pick her up and carry her back to the living room. I lay her on her beanbag chair and cover her up. I put her air pods in her ears and play her music.
Daddy I'm sorry
Buddy go to your room I yell
But daddy
Now I yell. I never tell at my kids.
He turns and runs to his room. I sit on the ground next to her and hold her head. She's out cold she will be for the rest of the night. Joel most of our the boys to bed. I didn't notice. I couldn't take my eye off her.
One year and 143 days was the last time she had a meltdown like this. I should of seen it coming. I should of noticed.
I feel Joel touch me. He pulls me close and I cried like I haven't cried in years. Probably since my sister died.
I always pull her door shut to her room I said.
Hey it's not your fault
He's wrong it was completely my fault
It must of happened when I was doing laundry and Joel was in the shower. Our youngest most of gotten up to go to the bathroom and noticed her bedroom door open. He went in there and knocked her violin down and messed up her books. That was all it took. After everything else she couldn't take it. I failed my baby girl.
I completely failed her tonight because I was to tired to pay attention.
41-45, M
