I Am Considering Divorce
Has anyone gone through a divorce after 20+ years of marriage? I'm not even sure how to approach it in my situation.
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SW-User
@Camas1974 Here's the thing, you cannot control or choose how she'll behave or what she'll do, you can only control what YOU will do. It will be hard, she will do things that are unfair, but you don't have to. In my situation, I have decided that the true colors of each of us will eventually shine through. Right now, my kids love me, but they think I'm bad for divorcing him (Christian upbringing). I can either run his name into the mud and get angry at them, which will hurt our relationship, or I can say "I'm sorry you're hurt. I truly want to avoid that as much as possible." And then be a loving mom, spend time with them, enjoy them.They will see, and it's happening already, they are making comments about the way dad is acting. It's really about laying aside yourself and your rights and putting your children first.
PoetryNEmotion · F
@Camas1974 Time doesn't improve strained relations. And the kids know what is going on. One of the most scary thoughts to me was how my son was going to be when he developed relationships with women. Would he not love them? Would he think being cold to someone was okay? Would he think fighting or giving the silent treatment was the way to handle conflict? I knew I was teaching him wrong. Some things can't be fixed. Sometimes moving on alone is the best solution.
SW-User
@PoetryNEmotion YES! Exactly!
MaryQueenOfScots · 41-45, F
FIRST: get your finances in order and keep them VERY quiet. You are entitles to 1/2 of the house and 1/2 of the equity, 1/2 of his retirement - and don't forget to ask for the cost of living increase that goes with most retirement packages, 1/2 of any stocks or bonds, if you have not worked and been a stay at home wife or mother, he has to send you to school for an education and pay you alimony while you are in school. During your separation he has to pay you alimony and ask for a cost of living wage as well. Keep records of anything wrong he has done, it has to be SOLID proof like pictures or something in his handwriting, get bank statements. When finding out the equity of the house get an appraiser to do the job and make him pay for it. If you want the house do NOT move out. If you can use your cell phone record conversations that you have concerning his girlfriend or anything he is doing. Keep things in your car and remember he is sneaking around looking in your things and you have no privacy. Also you are entitled to 1/2 of his social security when you retire. Good luck
Crazywaterspring · 61-69, M
acpguy · C
@Crazywaterspring Very good idea, I messed up as I just wanted to get out no matter what. Losing a lot was worth it however.
PoetryNEmotion · F
I did. After 30 years. What do you wish to ask? Get a great attorney. Be fair to your wife with the finances. See your children as much as possible. Think about custody arrangements. Do you want to share? Ensure lots of visitation. Don't talk negatively about your wife in front of the kids. They are most important. They need to know they are loved and they are not the reason for your divorce. Find a home where your kids can have their own rooms. Make sure your job is secure. Split things fairly. Breathe deeply. It won't be easy. It will be severe. But freedom is the best thing when you are in an unhappy marriage. Any other questions? I am happy to help.
PoetryNEmotion · F
@Camas1974 Read my words. You have to do what is right for you. So be fair. Who is initiating this? You or her? Why? Let me know if you have any questions. I made the right choice. I wish I hadn't waited so long.
Camas1974 · 46-50, M
Right now it's something I'm strongly thinking about, nothing has,been said at all.
I just started therapy, and it's helping me look at things I've been thinking about and dealing with, and making me think how both of our lives could be if we went our separate ways.
I just started therapy, and it's helping me look at things I've been thinking about and dealing with, and making me think how both of our lives could be if we went our separate ways.
PoetryNEmotion · F
@Camas1974 Well, choose wisely. Only you know why you want to think further on this. Therapy may help you think more clearly. Marriages only work when both people love one another; when they share a bed; when both want what is best for each other, and similar. I wish you good luck and a clear mind. Let us know what happens.
acpguy · C
I did after 13 years and four kids. It is not easy but if it is best for your sanity, keep your freedom and for kids if you have them then it gets a little easier. I was married to a bipolar that refused to see what she was doing to our kids and me. So it was a relief to get away. She did try to run me over however when I was trying to be nice doing some home improvements after we were divorced.
LucyAndEddy · 61-69, C
Consult an attorney. Do copious amounts of research to get a reputable, successful divorce attorney. Concentrate on settling issues. The only ones who succeed in a full blown divorce trial are the lawyers. Sometimes divorce is the only option. Make it as amicable as you can, you have 40 more years to live.
SW-User
I was married for 18 years before getting divorced.
Make sure you take legal advice especially if there are children involved.
Make sure you take legal advice especially if there are children involved.
SW-User
Yep, I just got divorced in Oct. after more than 20 years. I'm sorry you're going through this.