I Am Considering Divorce

@SW-User that's been one of the things that has kept us together. We have a 21 year old daughter, 17 and 10 year old sons. The daughter actually told me her mother and I needed to divorce, because neither of us is happy.but I'm afraid of how it week affect the 10 year old especially.

@Camas1974 Hopefully you can both put the kids' interests first. There are counselors and mediators who can help come up with a parenting plan. You both need to avoid alienating behaviours. My ex engaged in those and I have lost my oldest son which is certainly not a benefit to him.

That's one of the things I'm afraid of. When my daughter moved out, my wife was very angry with the daughter and her bf for quite awhile, and her attitude and actions caused more problems and pushed our daughter further away. So, I know to an extent how she will react, and that's one of the things that has kept me there. I just don't know if I could keep it up another 8 years until our youngest is 18...

@Camas1974 Unless they're less than 5 years old, your kids know. Staying only makes it worse.

@Camas1974 I stayed "for the kids " also. I have 5 and my youngest is 14. I thought if only I could make it 5 more years.... the problem is, they will be hurt no matter when you do it, but if you wait, you often lose yourself in the process. I found I had nothing left to give ANYONE because I was in such a bad place. My ex and I handled our own divorce and put the kids first by not dragging each other through the mud. We remain friends so that our kids never feel they have to choose sides. It CAN be done, but it's not easy.... especially because he was abusive to me (which most of the extended family, and my kids don't know). But, so far, we're making it work and our kids are adjusting well. And I'm doing so much better because I'm out of the situation and able to stick to setting and keeping boundaries.

What Gethsemane just said

That's how I want things to go, but I know how she overreact to things, and has admitted she over reacts.

@Camas1974 That doesn't matter. You can't control what she does, only what you do. Take the high ground. You will never regret it and you kids will grow to understand.

@Camas1974 Listen to your daughter. You cannot hold a marriage together for the kids. It won't work. You are teaching them that 2 people who argue and who don't love one another must stay together. That isn't good.

@Camas1974 Here's the thing, you cannot control or choose how she'll behave or what she'll do, you can only control what YOU will do. It will be hard, she will do things that are unfair, but you don't have to. In my situation, I have decided that the true colors of each of us will eventually shine through. Right now, my kids love me, but they think I'm bad for divorcing him (Christian upbringing). I can either run his name into the mud and get angry at them, which will hurt our relationship, or I can say "I'm sorry you're hurt. I truly want to avoid that as much as possible." And then be a loving mom, spend time with them, enjoy them.They will see, and it's happening already, they are making comments about the way dad is acting. It's really about laying aside yourself and your rights and putting your children first.

@Camas1974 Time doesn't improve strained relations. And the kids know what is going on. One of the most scary thoughts to me was how my son was going to be when he developed relationships with women. Would he not love them? Would he think being cold to someone was okay? Would he think fighting or giving the silent treatment was the way to handle conflict? I knew I was teaching him wrong. Some things can't be fixed. Sometimes moving on alone is the best solution.

@PoetryNEmotion YES! Exactly!