I'm feeling sad today

My daughter lives in the Notth of England and due to her job,doesn't get home much. Of course, this is "the norm' ... our kids fly the nest and live their own lives.
However, she now lives part time with her partner and they have recently gotten a dog. I knew her trips home would be less frequent, but I'm feeling a bit angry today and sad.
The last 3 trips home have been cancelled for various reasons....all valid ones.. so her dad and i travelled up to see her twice.
She was supposed to be coming home last Saturday for 3 nights with her partner and the dog. She texted to say they were coming Sunday instead, then texted sunday morning to say they were both ill. She texted again this morning to say she was coming alone as partner still ill, then texted back to say they were all coming tonight as partner felt better. At 5ish, she texted again saying partner ill again so not coming and said she'd see how she was in the morning. I've asked her to call me a number of times, but she hasn't. When i call her she replies by text. I'm upset. I've told her not to come now, as I know shes back in work on Friday.
Theres clearly a reason she doesn't want to speak to me right now......and although I respect that, i'm miffed she couldn't ring me and tell me they couldn't come/ didn't want to come at this time. I've bought food in, turned down a day out because they were coming home.....and I don't even get a phone call.

Being a parent to an adult is much harder than when they are kids.
I'm sad shes not coming home, and sad she's shutting me out.
I never ever thought i'd feel like this.

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dragonfly46 · F

I'd let her know she is loved, and supported, again. Then back way off, don't ask if and when she'll be around again. Just don't ask at all. Let her be the adult, give her a chance to miss you and by which she makes the plans. Do not change any of your plans going forward, don't buy extra food. When she finally comes around she can go pick up the food and maybe you have to still stick to the plans you made before she announced their arrival. Do not change your life at all for her. When she comes let her decide how it's spent and what you all do. Don't be the mom anymore, be the mom of a true adult. She feels the pressure of trying to be everything, to everybody. You are her safe place, have faith in her and her ability to know when she really needs you.
This is an adjustment, I know, I've had to do the same. You just need to remember that you raised a good girl and you've instilled a lot of lessons. One of the most important is independence. Let her fly.
In the mean time, find your girls and go out and have some fun. Have a margarita and vent to them about the brutality of motherhood. How hurt you are. Then when she calls because you haven't in awhile, and she will be confused, smile and ask her how she's doing....

whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M

This is a phase. Of course, if/when she has children you will see more of them when they want to go on holidays and stick you with the kids.(I am kid sitting three teenagers this weekend while their parents fly interstate for a wedding) Or indeed they may need a dog sitter while they take a cruise or something similar..(Been there, done that too)😷

EldritchFox

Have you talked about it? That sounds like a face to face, but gently, she might have something going on. Do you know if her partner is a good person, because that's a definite possibility. Or she's exhausted from work...

I think a talk would be good. A big heart to heart. Even if it takes a few.

As someone who cut off a parent, I was very confused and a talk as equals could of made things very different.

Neoerectus · M

The distance is odd for us in the states...esp. in the western US.

The distance you reference is a long weekend for us.

It about northern Idaho to Seattle, Washington. +/-

Can you visit them? Maybe schedule a hotel or bnb so as to signal you are not trying to impose.

If her partner IS sealing her off, that could be a red flag. Abusers like to isolate ...

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@Neoerectus we have been twice over the summer. Things seemed ok between them when we were there.
It feels to me her partner sabotages visits home......thinking back, things that have happened before.

Neoerectus · M

@RubySoo so could be isolating. Make sure daughter knows you are open to discussions.

A risky ask would be if she is experiencing any abuse.... This could blow up if not there or not seen as such yet.

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@Neoerectus my daughter is a big tough girl. Shes in the army. Shes 100% knows she can talk to me....but my worry is if she is being manipulated by her gf......she will feel ashamed.....and wont want to admit it.
I just feel shes letting this wonan call all the shots and its not sitting well because she wont talk to me...she always has in the past.

samueltyler2 · 80-89, M

This is so typical. Our kids also tend to only text, not even email!

candycane · 36-40, F

hope hes not abusing her,big hugs ruby🤗

RubySoo · 56-60, F

@candycane her partner is a woman.
Shes a bit of a prissy princess......but...since my girl wont talk to me right now, i dunno whats going on.

Jimbo7 · M

I think you should go unannounced incase there is anything going on that shouldn't be. Either way you and your husband will know whats what.Good luck Ruby .

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