I'm now an orphan

My step dad called earlier. I smile when I see his number as I like to hear from him. He has one of those terrific south London first generation Carribbean accents.

I joyfully say hello. But there's a longer pause then normal. "It's your pa girl. I heard that he's gone an died."

He has no real information other than that. I call the one number of the only other of his children I ever speak to. She confirmed it. Brain aneurysm they believe. She said I was welcome to go to the funeral but I declined. I said I was sorry for her loss. Her reply didn't suprise me. "Ain't much of a loss. Best loss is no longer worrying what state he might turn up here. Sorry he was such an arsehole to you."

Said it all really. I feel hollow, like I should feel something that I can't.