My father wasn't a that bad and yet...

I've been estranged from my own family for about 15 years now, and I can relate a little bit to your situation. My dad was kind of a d**k for the first 12 or so years of my life, but he lightened up a bit as I grew into a teenager. Idk, maybe it was the fact that I could probably beat him physically that made him change his tune. Maybe it was the birth of my baby brother. I don't really know

Even though I last remember him being an alright dad, I still don't want to talk to him. I don't really hold any resentment from my earlier years or anything, so I couldn't really figure out why. Maybe it's because we were never really close. I couldn't put my finger on it.

But as I got older, I realized that I felt a lot of shame for my life not turning out the way I had expected. As a teen, I excelled academically. I was the first in my family to go to college. I really thought I would be successful in life. But I just ended up empty and alone for most of my adult years.

I couldn't face admitting something like that to someone that spent their life working to give me opportunities. I didn't want to reveal the shame of living such a pathetic life. So I didn't. I just stayed quiet and withdrew from the world.

Things are okay for me now, but it's been so long since I've talked to anyone in my family that we're practically strangers. I wish I could say that there's some kind of reconciliation or closure on our relationship, but the truth is that I'm not planning on going to any of their funerals. I've moved forward with my life, and many times there's just no good reason to go digging up the past.