My Grandma said to me, ‘I just haven’t had grandchildren yet!’ I have 2 kids. She doesn’t consider them grandchildren I guess. How should I take this?

My dads mother and father, bless her that we are lucky enough she’s still alive at 87. She’s an otherwise wonderful woman. However despite my father being extremely successful in his college and career, he was always the black sheep really for unknown reasons between his 2 older sisters. One time he cried telling me how they never came to a baseball game of his, or saw any of his architectural projects, never said they were proud of him.

We see them about once or twice a year. I sometimes talk to her when I have time. Well recently, my grandmother said to me while on the phone random sentence then, “gosh you know, it’s a shame we just don’t have great grandchildren yet, I hope we get to one day before our time is up” meaning before they pass away.

And I said actually you have 3! My brothers son, and my 2 children. And she said well, you know (aunts kids names) just haven’t had children yet.. and I was like oh! Haha yeah sure!…

I just really can’t seem to get it out of my head and it sure makes me sad. It makes me wonder if she really ever thought of us as grandkids. My aunts children spent so much time with them and they just jump at every opportunity to see them… I cant imagine having grandchildren and segmenting them that way, and not considering your great grandchildren your great grandchildren.

My dad has acknowledged to me that he’s always been the black sheep of his family despite being wildly successful and actually very famous here locally in his career..his parents always favoured his sisters and their children.

Anyone else relate? Since they are so old would you just take this in stride and just kind of not care about it?

ElwoodBlues · M

@RedBaron This is the best advice I've seen on this question.

@Brassm0nk3y Whatever "secret" is behind it, treating grandchildren and and great grandchildren differently is inherently petty and toxic, and you are probably better off keeping that toxicity at arms length. Their toxicity is NOT your problem and it won't get fixed this late in life.

I'm not saying don't investigate; just be aware that only toxic people would pursue resentments or whatever to the length that they're punishing great grandchildren.

Is your father maybe the child of an earlier marriage or an out of wedlock niece or nephew they were somehow forced to raise as their own? Did they threaten to disinherit your dad at some early age and feel compelled to follow thru on the threat? Who knows?

Your dad probably knows, but if it's been his choice to keep it secret this long he probably won't tell. Still, have a frank conversation with him about it; maybe he'll tell the story after they've passed away. Another resource is your cousins; they may have heard some clues. And it would be interesting if you and a first cousin were to do some DNA testing and see if you do in fact share 1/8 of your DNA.

Regardless, you should only investigate if you can keep it at arm's length emotionally. Take @RedBaron's advice and don't let the toxicity spill into your children's lives.

Carissimi · F

Unless she’s suffering from dementia, which it doesn’t sound like it, then it’s probably because you only see them once or twice a year, and she hasn’t bonded with you and your children, like she has her daughter, as she sees her all the time. Still, she does have you and your brother as grandchildren, and your children are her great grandchildren, so I understand being upset about her comment. I’m afraid, you’ll have to live with their odd perceptions, like your father did.

Of course, the woman could be passive aggressive, or a narcissist, given the fact that she never gave love or praise to your dad’s achievements. Her ignoring him does not sit well with me. There is something very wrong with a mother who treats her child that way, so it’s just as well you don’t see them often.

Cloud7593 · 46-50, F

@Carissimi And it's odd because most people favor sons over daughters, especially a narcissistic parent.