Passive aggressively uninvited to Thanksgiving.. sad. Anyone else not have family to celebrate the holidays with?

Well.. today my dad called me to make sure I wasn’t planning to come to Thanksgiving. I’m estranged from my mom, she has a mental illness. So lately I’ve been leaning on my Dad for emotional support. The truth is though he’s been married three times and his newest wife his a big to do for thanksgiving. I was really excited to go and bring our kids and stuff but today.. on Halloween right before we went trick or treating he called me and passive aggressively was like, “hey what are y’all doing for Thanksgiving!” I was like oh, just planning to go to my husbands in the early afternoon ..thinking he might say “oh good! Amy is having lunch/dinner at this time” instead it was “well good I’m glad you guys have plans.. I was going to invite you but it sounds like you’re busy.. of course if you don’t have somewhere to go feel free, but I figured you’d rather spend thanksgiving with yours husbands family” very passively I feel like saying don’t make plans to come here.. but instead of being honest like we don’t have a lot of room or we are worried about getting sick from the kids or something it was that.. it made me so sad. I wish he could’ve done that a different night like it ruined our Halloween. And now I’ve spent all night like just sad.. and not able to enjoy the night because I’m too busy realising how I don’t have parents who want to spend the holidays with me or my family. I definitely plan to start a new tradition but I’m just like wow.. anyone else relate?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Penny · 46-50, F

from what it sounds like your dad is the one being rejected here, not you. its like you expect the worst or something making it a self fulfilling prophecy. he said he was going to invite you, not dont come. maybe he thought you were telling him your plans were set to go to your husband's family already and didnt want to impose

eta- i just see a lot of assumptions on your part that may not be true

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

@Penny he started off with a what are you doing for thanksgiving.. and as I started to say we’d be at my in laws in the morning but were free for the afternoon he goes oh I knew you were busy. And then said if you had nowhere to go I was going to invite you..but it sounds like you are busy…. he knows darn well we were expecting to come, we had already mentioned it several weeks ago. He was 100% gaslighting me to make it seem somehow like I said I was too busy to come

Penny · 46-50, F

@Brassm0nk3y next time say "why, did you have something in mind?" i mean, on the other hand its not like you invited him over either

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

@Penny I’m not sure if you were able to see it above, but they were planning an event that day with the rest of his wife’s family so I don’t think inviting them over would’ve made sense. I’m sorry the context doesn’t make sense to you! The point of the story was that he gaslighted me and incenuated that I had plans before I said that I did so that he didn’t have to have me over for thanksgiving.

Penny · 46-50, F

@Brassm0nk3y well, what i see is that you feel hurt and unwanted by your father but that just doesnt ring the truth to me. entertaining is a lot of work and unless your dad is the chef around the house expecting his new wife to entertain you and your whole family is a lot to ask so I could understand if he wanst too keen on having you and your family over for Thanksgiving. divorce sucks but don tlet it make you think your dad doesnt love you. he did say he was going to invite you if you didnt have other plans. can you blame him for being relieved you already had plans if thats the case here? if he already invited you a long itme ago then id say its your own fault for not being more direct with him in the first place. when he asked again you should said that you thought you were coming over not wait for him to invite you again. holidays can be a real hassle with expectations. try not to feel bad and just enjoy your time with your husbands family without having ot feel obligated to go to your dad's too. maybe you could invite him over for christmas if you want to spend time with him. even if he wouldnt want to come over that would open a door for him to invite you over to his place.

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

@Penny A lot of assumptions here. This comment I feel like is really invalidating. I know exactly what happened during the conversation with my dad and I have every reason to be disappointed by it. To say I should think of it another way I mean that’s super invalidating to my feelings. I’m trying to process them, which I believe is healthy! Acknowledging the pain I think will also help me to expect less of them in the future and work to protect myself and my family. I’m sorry you see this in such a different light. Interesting perspective by not where I was going here! They are already having an event I’m not expecting them to cater to us wth

Penny · 46-50, F

@Brassm0nk3y well, you said the first thing you did was tell him you had plans with your husbands family which you later said you didnt. what put me off about your post is that it reeks of entitlement. and like youre just looking for sympathy that your dad doesnt want or love you when you have no proof of that. it seems like a big error in poor communication to me with your conversation with your dad. if he really did invite you then back out i am sorry but at the same time, you made it really easy for him by not being direct with your expectations. it sounds like you may have learned that from your dad, not being direct with each other. i am sorry you have to deal with this kind of bullshit. i am divorced and i have struggled with mental illness and have kids myself. i know its hard and lots of hurt feelings can get involved. i just wanted you to take away that it doesnt mean your dad doesnt want or love you.