If you've had relationships go bad, was it a gradual thing or a sudden thing or in-between?
My first (1997 to 2011) was a gradual thing - primarily my fault because I did not really understand how to have a proper romantic adult relationship through my neuro-spicy mindset and took it for granted, so when late in the piece she cheated with the then neighbour it kind-of wasn't really that much of a shock but more of a confirmation that I messed up. So I left, and the breakup was a bit messy.
I should have bolted early on as she told me she wanted to get married within 6 months yet we never did. I have never liked marriage after the experiences of my childhood with my parents divorce and all the shit that happened around that.
My second (2013 to 2018) was in-between slow/gradual and sudden - over the course of just a couple of years it went from nice to bad to outright dangerous/toxic and depsite my best efforts to not repeat the errors I made in the first one I was effectively 'erased' as a romantic partner when she got pregnant with our daughter. So I left due to DV, etc targeted at me (and our daughter).
So I've never married in either. But both failed in very different circumstances. I still do not understand (neuro-spicy et al) how to have proper romantic adult relationships. Probably won't ever get to catch that bus.
My view since I've tried dating quite a bit in the following years after the second ex and realised how pathetic that is is that relationships will rarely go bad quickly - it's a combination of issues/problems/differences from both sides. How the pace of the breakdown progresses is highly dependent on many factors. Often a romantic partner will discount small problems and potential red flags thinking they're inconsequential until things start to become clear that stuff is going badly wrong.
PS. I used a double 'is' in the correct context - wow.
There's no such thing as a perfect couple or adult romantic relationship. They take work, and I know with my first one I didn't put the work in because I just did not know how or even realise it was required because I'd never had any relationships or related sexual experiences before the first one of any substance, so had no baseline, no guidance, and no help from anyone to figure it out. Internally, I was scared and frightened and felt I had nowhere to turn, not even to my then partner.
With my second one, I put a lot of work in but I was never good enough and was basically used. I was always trash to her, trash to her friends, because I wasn't a medical health professional or a person with another professional qualification and career. Just a dumb shiftworking train driver who worked really hard.
My kids make me happy though and I would never wish to have not had them come into my life. I don't need (or really even want) adult romantic relationships to make me feel like my life had meaning anymore. That ship sailed.
I should have bolted early on as she told me she wanted to get married within 6 months yet we never did. I have never liked marriage after the experiences of my childhood with my parents divorce and all the shit that happened around that.
My second (2013 to 2018) was in-between slow/gradual and sudden - over the course of just a couple of years it went from nice to bad to outright dangerous/toxic and depsite my best efforts to not repeat the errors I made in the first one I was effectively 'erased' as a romantic partner when she got pregnant with our daughter. So I left due to DV, etc targeted at me (and our daughter).
So I've never married in either. But both failed in very different circumstances. I still do not understand (neuro-spicy et al) how to have proper romantic adult relationships. Probably won't ever get to catch that bus.
My view since I've tried dating quite a bit in the following years after the second ex and realised how pathetic that is is that relationships will rarely go bad quickly - it's a combination of issues/problems/differences from both sides. How the pace of the breakdown progresses is highly dependent on many factors. Often a romantic partner will discount small problems and potential red flags thinking they're inconsequential until things start to become clear that stuff is going badly wrong.
PS. I used a double 'is' in the correct context - wow.
There's no such thing as a perfect couple or adult romantic relationship. They take work, and I know with my first one I didn't put the work in because I just did not know how or even realise it was required because I'd never had any relationships or related sexual experiences before the first one of any substance, so had no baseline, no guidance, and no help from anyone to figure it out. Internally, I was scared and frightened and felt I had nowhere to turn, not even to my then partner.
With my second one, I put a lot of work in but I was never good enough and was basically used. I was always trash to her, trash to her friends, because I wasn't a medical health professional or a person with another professional qualification and career. Just a dumb shiftworking train driver who worked really hard.
My kids make me happy though and I would never wish to have not had them come into my life. I don't need (or really even want) adult romantic relationships to make me feel like my life had meaning anymore. That ship sailed.
