Overwhelmed by loneliness

Been through a lot lately. Spouse was in a horrible accident. I was out of with for several months to take care of him. When I went back to work I found out my friends weren't friends anymore, I'm the outcast now. But I need the job so I just pretend to be happy to have a job.

Spouse is forever changed... He's a shadow of his former self. I have no idea what the future holds, at least with him going back to work. His health and life are on my shoulders. My family's future is on my shoulders. I found out my youngest baby has autism, and Im heartbroken. Top it all off, I'm recovering from surgery. And yeah, it was elective, but I still have to heal. And there's no support. No one to talk to. It's too much. It all hurts too much.

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hartfire

That's a hell of a lot to be carrying all at once.

I can imagine being off work for so long and cooped up at home looking after him would have felt very isolating. It was like that for me when I was caring for my mother in her last 18 months.

What kind of work do you do?
Apart from the money, what do you most like and dislike about it?

What caused your friends at work to cast you out?
Was it just lack of contact while you were away caring for your spouse?
If so, it might be possible to repair and rebuild those friendships.

You'll probably need to contact your nearest association for autism (if you haven't already). They'll be able to help in a wide range of ways.

How long will your recovery from the surgery take? Do you have to do anything special to assist - like physio?

You're welcome to message me to chat about things if you wish.

Lilliesandlight · 41-45, F

@hartfire yeah being his caregiver for five months, two in the hospital was pretty isolating. And stressful. I'm still his caregiver but he's more independent now. He has a long road ahead of him still.. He's a burn victim.
I work at a doctor's office, I'm basically a receptionist. Money is ok. The only good thing about the job is it's family friendly. They let me take five months off, and they understand that I still have to take off at least one day a week for appointments. Idk why my coworkers turned on me, they remind me of middle school girls. The boss is very supportive at least. She actually got mad about their behavior.

hartfire

@Lilliesandlight How horrible for your spouse to get so badly burned!
What happened?

Glad you boss understands.
I'm glad he/she stood up for you.
Are they behaving themselves now... ?
Would it be possible to ask them why? (They might not give and honest answer - but then again, it might be possible to learn something about their expectations or prejudices.)

It sounds as though things are getting a little better now.
Will your spouse eventually make a full recovery?

Is there any way you could get out to meet new people once a week - an evening or weekend class in some hobby, or a social coffee group?

Lilliesandlight · 41-45, F

@hartfire he was blasted with scalding hot water mixed with sand at an accident at work. Burns on half his body, multiple skin graft surgeries. It was really horrible. He's still getting surgeries cause his skin hasn't healed correctly.

I asked the queen bee at the office, and she gave me a bullshit answer. She and I were good friends at one point. She even threatened to quit her job when she heard I was leaving last year, cause of some other office drama. I thought we cleared the air, but she kept giving me the cold shoulder. So I've just accepted that she isn't my friend anymore. And there is nothing I can do about that, and I'm not about to beg for a toxic person to be in my life. She's very immature and spoiled.

I wouldn't know where to start to try to socialize. I've never been good at it, never had any real friends outside of work. I know if I tried to socialize outside of work hours I would be seen as selfish by my family. I'm supposed to be all work no play. My birthday is on Monday and I don't really want to make any attempt to celebrate, it just seems pointless.

hartfire

@Lilliesandlight What a horrific accident! He must have suffered some pretty deep emotional trauma as well as the physical. When I had a major accident my body remembered the neath death experience and left me with strong reactivity to any situation resembling what happened - a form of PTSD.
I hope your husband is getting all his medical bills paid by workplace insurance.

I do think it's unfair for your family to expect you to be all work and no play. Caring is exhausting work and, without some regular time off, carers can burn out. How old are the other members of your family and what other time commitments do they have? Is there any way that some of them could take on a few hours per week of caring for your husband so you can go out and do something just for you.

The funny thing about socialising is one can let others do it for you. If you're with a regular group, let's say a pottery or drawing class, there'll usually be a tea break. Someone will make a comment about anything, and you can reply with whatever is your natural response. Someone might ask you about yourself - you reply and then ask them the same. It's a little like a friendly game of non-competitive tennis; someone serves and the goal is to hit the ball back to them.

You could try Edward de Bono's "How to Have a Beautiful Mind." In essence, it's about how to be an interesting conversationalist.

Showing empathy for people's feelings also goes a long way towards building rapport.

If the group develops a good vibe, they may wish to meet for a celebratory coffee after the course - or if there's a person there whom you feel warmly towards, you could invite them for a coffee.

Believe it or not, many people feel shy and awkward about making friends, fearing that others won't like them - yet we are a social species and we do thrive better when we have friends. Even one friend is better than none. If you're a natural introvert, you might be happy with just one to three or four close friends. It's definitely worth the effort, patience and persistence.