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Struggles & Identity

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Okay this might be the hardest story I ever had to write here but bear with me

I'm overthinking too much about how to tell this without being triggering, making light of the situation, just because I know its a sensitive subject & it's not light at all. I also won't be responding to comments unless I feel I have something to say of real value or important to be known. & I ask that anyone who might comment, do the same.

I don't know how to start so I'll say this. I wasn't intending to write about this because to me, it's a story that I've been embarrassed by so it was just a "no" for me.
After finally telling it to someone, they told me I was violated. The more I thought about it the more I realized it was deeper than that. Which told me that I had no reason to be so embarrassed because I did nothing wrong.
After telling my gf about it she encouraged me to talk about it or possibly even write it here. So I decided to do that.

First off I was at a strip club one night & I met up with some friends who were inviting me out. Which, to be honest, they did because I was going through a heartbreak at the time & they kept saying I needed to be around more women. Which I didn't care for but I hung out anyway just because it was better than being alone. I was doing anything to stay busy.

After being in the strip club throwing some money like people are supposed to do, I went & sat down in the corner because I wasn't into it. Just drank my beer & played on my phone. Different strippers kept walking up asking if I wanted a dance & I turned them all down but then 2 walked up & said they wanted to dance for me together.
I thought "eh, screw it I've never had a dance from 2 before so why not". So they took me away from everyone.

I won't get super descriptive here so I'll kinda brush through it. Well, they danced like usual & one of them asked me if I wanted to cum. I said no so the other one asked me same shit in a different way. I said no again. I thought they were attractive of course, but I still wasn't interested. I hardly even wanted to be there. A moment later one of them reached into my pants & both of them started taking things further too quickly. It didn't go past oral stuff but

Sorry I don't know how to finish that but you get the point. It was just really confusing to me because I didn't stop it I just let it happen & because of that I felt so ashamed of it. Then of course, it's a goddamn strip club so afterward they told me that I owe them this stupid amount of money & the amount was literally everything I had at the time. But out of guilt or I don't even know, I paid them & left.

I didn't even tell my friends that I was leaving. I just left. I never told them what happened that night because of how embarrassed I feel about it. I went straight to my mom's & I didn't tell her any details. I just told her that something happened with two women & that I felt extremely used & disappointed.
She might've understood somehow. She took me to the casino to end my night with different thoughts. I didn't even tell her I was broke.. but she gave me $100 so that I didn't spend any of my own money.

I lost some games but won some too & left with $80. That $80 got me by until my next paycheck. I didn't even tell my mom how much I needed that money but she must've knew.

Thinking about it lately made me realize that I WAS truly violated. Actually more than just "violated". I truly don't know wtf to call that but if I clearly said no & it was forced on me anyway then it doesn't matter if I stopped it or not. I did not want that.
It's a gross story to me. This whole time I felt like it was my fault. Like I encouraged it, wanted it, so I felt embarrassed by it.

Now I'm realizing for the first time how serious it is & how much that really affected me.
"It's a strip club so you should know what goes on there"
"I wish that kind of thing happened to me"
"If its a guy he probably liked it anyway".
"Don't be so sensitive he should consider himself lucky".
You hear all that shit when you see conversations about a story like this. & If theres any of those comments under this post they will be deleted.
It's not funny & I didn't write this to be a joke or a fantasy.

Theres also so many people who would say that since I was in a strip club, that I should've expected it. Because I've seen those arguments before. People think that just because we're men, we want that.
If you ask me, that type of thinking is the equivalent to "she was wearing revealing clothes so she wanted it".

Sexual assault is far more common amongst women, thats for sure. But it saddens me that with men it's not treated nearly as serious. To the point that even I didn't realize what happened to me was wrong. But when I consider that sexual assault causes people to feel powerless, ashamed, afraid to speak about it... idk how I didn't realize it sooner.

I say this very rarely but I witnessed my sister raped as a kid. I was too young to understand it back then. It took me way too long before the reality hit me & everything started making sense.
I can't say I know how she feels but nobody can tell me that my childhood wasn't destroyed at that moment. It was already rough but that was a non-recovery moment because I don't think I've ever fully gotten past that. Maybe I never will.
I always felt guilt since I could never possibly know how SHE felt. I'll spend my life being there for her. & I think thats what makes me wanna spend my life being there for anybody.

But even now, with what happened to me & all that I'm realizing.. I still feel this insane amount of guilt that women have it so much worse. I feel like calling my story "rape" is an insult to what my sister went through. Or what others went through. I feel guilty for even thinking my story qualifies as the same.
Because the memory of my sister traumatizes me way more than what happened to me.

So yeah.. I'm not writing this because I think it'll make a change. I'm not writing this to spark a conversation. I'm writing this because it's something I think I truly need to say & maybe saying it will help me to not feel so ashamed or guilty for the way I feel.

& This was very hard to write so if it was also hard to read, I am sincerely sorry. I tried to be as honest but careful as I can with the subject. There's really not an easy way to talk about it.

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SW-User

I understand how you feel, thank you for sharing your heart. You definitely should not bear any shame for what happened.

I will just leave this here, so you know you're not alone, although it is not quite the same thing. I was raped when i was 7 by the house maid. She did it often, and i never stopped her. I wrestle with the thought that i never stopped her, and i quite possibly liked it. I dont know.
People that i have opened up to about this, always ask how is this possible. It is possible but i wont go into detail. And then, i get the "you're a guy, behave like one and get over it, if it happened to me i'd be proud".
I have never ever told anyone about this here in SW, but right now, i just dont care anymore and my mind is just all over the place and nowhere at the same time.

I do hope you can heal from this.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User damn man, I'm glad you said something even if its just on a random place like SW.
I was hoping that there might be a chance that me telling this might help someone else share theirs as well. I didn't expect it to be you 🥺

I feel you bro. Thats part of what makes it so confusing because it does feel good & that makes us think that we wanted it. That we asked for that. You being so much younger & never having those experiences prior would make that so much more confusing, I would imagine. I'm so sorry for that 🖤
It still takes that power from you & that choice from you. So I understand completely why you'd feel the way you do about it.
The double standard is crazy.. just because guys like sex, people just shrug it off

SW-User

In my junior year of college, a friend told me and a few others about a time that he was drunk (to the point that he was about to pass out, and lying on a bed) and a girl (there had been a house party, so this was a random girl he'd met there) was reaching into his pants and he was resisting but she went ahead with it. He was telling it to us casually, essentially laughing it off, but I was thinking "uhh...that's kinda fucked up, actually". The good thing is the rest of us seemed to have the same idea. We talked about it afterward and the consensus was "what happened to TQ, that was messed up, right?" No idea how he feels about it now (and it was never mentioned again after that), but it was encouraging that all these guys (some of whom were "fratty" and I had stereotypes in my mind about how they would react) agreed it was not right. So maybe in some circles at least, the dismissive attitude is no longer the norm.

In either case, it's natural that we compare these experiences to that of others, and we may even decide what happened to us was "not as bad", but that's not the point: it was still wrong and it was still sexual assault and that's the important part.

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SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I think the very fact that he was telling it to us meant that it bothered him. Laughing it off made him feel more comfortable telling it, but if it had truly been nothing, I don't think he would've told the story at all.

I think overall, it is becoming more acceptable to tell these experiences and acknowledge that they're wrong. Yet even so, when stuff like this happens there will be responses like "you shouldn't have gotten drunk then". As fucked up as that response is, I think people say that because they like to imagine they would've been in control and wouldn't have let it happen. Yet it could happen to anyone and being drunk doesn't mean it was your fault.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User yeah I'd agree with that completely. I think him telling that story was his way of getting it out there so hopefully he keeps telling it in ways that help him eventually.

I'm glad these situations are getting easier or more acceptable to talk about. It sucks how many people are made to feel like it was their own fault

This message was deleted by its author.

Scribbles · 36-40, F

Sexual assault should always be taken seriously. Those two women ignored your no, and used you to their benefit. They knew you'd have to pay up money and wouldn't say anything... They did something wrong.

You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I think it's totally natural to feel more traumatized and more guilty about someone else's sexual assault experience then one's own. I've felt that. It's natural to feel more protective of our loved ones then about ourselves sometimes.
It's not about who had it worse, don't even go there because it doesn't matter. It's just bad no matter what, ok? All sexual assault makes you feel powerless, etc.
What is important is being there for each other. And I think it's great you want to be there for your sister.

Anyway, I hope you have someone to be there for you when the experience bothers you all over again. It's brave of you to share.

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Scribbles · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalks You are going to be a tío! Congrats! That's great news! 😃

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Scribbles are you Mexican or you just know that I am? 😮😅 But my brother had a daughter last year so I'm already a tio 😌 but I'm excited regardless lol

Scribbles · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalksAh, I just remember that you speak spanish from a post joking about being Chief papa or Grandpa or something like that.

Foreverconfused · 56-60, F

I am so sorry you went thru this.

Your interpretations are right on.

You absolutely were violated. You absolutely were a victim. And the “humor” or brush offs are people simply repeating the excuses other people give, because they have heard them. Most people don’t know what to say. And the whole point is that the abuser is trying to get away with what they do. So that’s how those harsh get over it responses get out there. Fantasy is utterly different t than really experiences forced and unwanted sexual attention. It was manipulative, and you were a victim of sexual violation and financial theft. It could be the way the owner pimped out employees for money. Which is even more sad. Or the way the girls simply forced their way on men out of their financial desperation (equally bad) Speaking out as you are doing will help others understand that victimization and sense of shame occurs in childhood. And occurs to men too. And it also reminds us to be careful about who we allow our children around. Sigh. I hope your sister is also speaking out. It’s so strange. 1/8 are victims, but maybe … it’s worse than we realize. It could be than men feel MoRE shame and would dare share. At least there are laws now… to help go after abusers? With time, abuse will become less prevalent but it important authentic sharing like yours gets share and read. Thank you for fighting back the stereo type. It’s not your fault at all. You were targeted. If you really don’t want to be somewhere, your gut is warning you. It’s not safe. From now on all you can do is learn to connect to your uncomfortable awkward feelings as your “soul”sending you a “gut “ warning to get out of here. This is wrong. It is easily misinterpreted in one’s confused state of mind as “I’m not being cool“ or similar echoed excuses from abusers use to make themselves feel better. It’s manipulative and sounds half right, but it’s not right it’s not okay. It’s just akward moment people feel they have the need to fill the silence of pain… and so they say such things. May you keep having the courage to say it’s not okay. It was wrong. 😔

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Foreverconfused I wouldn't be surprised if its certain clubs that pimp their workers out but I also would be surprised if its just money hungry women who have learned that they can easily use men without repercussions. If I had to guess, I'd say both are probably really common.

I don't think my sister ever really spoke out much. We were both kind of our only help & we were there for each other growing up. Only few people know what happened. I don't tell the story to anyone in our family because I feel like that's up to my sister if she wants to speak up.
But thanks for commenting 🙏

Foreverconfused · 56-60, F

@ChiefJustWalks sorry about all my typos!!!! I’ll work on cleaning up this weekend!!

BlueVeins · 22-25

No two experiences are ever the same, that doesn't make yours any less serious. Wishing you the best in your healing process.

SW-User

Thank you so much for sharing these experiences and thoughts.

Now and then amid the, let's say, "playfulness of most of the posts here on SW, something stands out as truly heartfelt and real. Your story most definitely does.

You just mention so briefly that terrible experience, for you and your sister, of what you saw when you were a child. But I can only imagine it must have cast a shadow over everything. And at the same time, you have taken from it this resolve to be there for your sister, and for others.

I am very struck by the part of the story about your Mom. Not every son would trust his mother enough to tell her as much as you did (even though you didn't go into detail) and not every mother would know how to respond, what would be good for her son right then, the way she did. It seems like there is some deep love in your family.

And yes, what you went through was a sexual assault, and the fact that you were then pushed into paying for it makes it a worse assault. And no doubt it was not as horrible as what your sister went through, or many other experiences, but it was terrible in its own right. It should not have happened; those women should not have done that to you.

And there does need to be more awareness and understanding around all kinds of violation of people's sexuality and integrity. I think your story will help increase that understanding for some of us at least. Thank you for having the courage and clarity to write it.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User I do trust my mom & tell her a lot more than a typical person would say to their moms. But I wasn't raised by her. I grew up without her & she's been on drugs most of my life but she's always been honest with me so she taught me to be honest as well. I truly think she's the reason I'm so open the way I am.

The part about my sister was sorta mentioned to help explain my guilt about the difference between the experiences between mine & others, particularly women. But yeah, that's not something I talk about often & when I do I don't explain it because I'll break.

I appreciate you giving my story so much thought & understanding. It was scary to post but the comments make me feel understood so thank you

Coppercoil · M

You might be surprised. A lot more guys are sensitive about these kind of things than society would have you believe. I'm glad you found the strength to speak up and tell your experience.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Coppercoil honestly, it's not about guys being "sensitive" about it. It's just so many people in society are "insensitive" about it

Classified · M

Sorry that happened to you, man. It's like all an adding up. First they do oral stuff even though you said no and then they still request money for it. That makes it extra shitty what happened.

It is brave you shared this especially when feeling so embarrassed. I don't think any of us thinks less of you because of this though.

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Classified · M

@ChiefJustWalks Unfortunately not trusting anyone sounds like the right approach here. With all the secrecy it feels really difficult to see who's genuine.
College shouldn't be so expensive that women feel the need to become strippers. 😥

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Classified I agree. People literally put themselves in debt for an education. Its ridiculous 🤦

Classified · M

@ChiefJustWalks It's how the system works. 😥 There should be other things to motivate the students to work hard on their studies, I think.
But I'm drifting off subject.

Lostpoet · M

You shouldn't feel ashamed and i don't care what or who somebody is if another person doesn't want to be touched sexual you should always respect that. I think the only difference between this and a woman being raped is that for women it's usually physical and it makes them feel powerless. Even though I think those strippers did it as a power trip too and they also stole your money which is a double insult and I bet they didn't go to sleep that day thinking about how they took advantage of you.

kodiac · 22-25, M

It takes guts to speak out. Something i have learned from my experiences as a abused child is that our body is designed to respond in certain ways to stimulus. It's not a conscious choice no matter how much i hated what was happening my body responded . I always finished and the guilt i felt was crushing. It's called body betrayal and we couldn't have stopped it .

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@kodiac one thing that always stuck with me, was this random episode of Law & Order I saw when I was a kid.

There was a boyfriend & girlfriend. The boy was in a gang & his gang beat him up & assaulted his gf in front of him. When they were telling the police the story, the boy felt absolutely destroyed not just over what happened, but he mentioned how she orgasmed repeatedly & he had never got her to do that before.
The girl also mentioned that in her story, how she couldn't control what her body was doing & she broke down crying when she explained that.

I think I always remembered that because of how powerful that was in explaining that just because our body is reacting a certain way doesn't mean that we liked it or that we wanted it.
I'm so sorry man 🥺 that you had to face that at all. It's extremely hard to speak on. People who would hurt a child in that way, or anyone in that way, deserve the absolute worst

kodiac · 22-25, M

@ChiefJustWalks Another thing i didn't expect is i thought when it was over that would be the end of it but it isn't the end only a part of the war. Healing is possible but takes time.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@kodiac healing could take forever really. Sometimes people never get over it, just learn to live with it. It's truly heartbreaking

ginnyfromtheblock · 26-30, F

thank you for sharing that, it’s super brave. i’m really really sorry that happened to you and i’m glad you recognize it as assault because it is not okay and not something you should feel ashamed of because it’s not your fault. lots of love 💖

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@ginnyfromtheblock I get the feeling theres a lot of men who have had something similar happen & just haven't addressed it.
Like I remember when that whole situation went down with Cardi B admitting to drugging men & stealing their money back when she was a stripper.
Thats triggering to me because I remember so many people defending her, saying that men are pigs & if they're in the club then they deserve that anyway. It's almost like it's okay for men to be taken advantage of. Which makes it harder to tell stories like this because they don't get taken seriously

ginnyfromtheblock · 26-30, F

@ChiefJustWalks i’ve been to those clubs before too and i am sure i get treated so differently from you with a lot more respect! it’s just entertainment. no one deserves to be touched without consent. 💖

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@ginnyfromtheblock Yeah I used to be fine with those clubs but I haven't been to one since then. I just don't see it the same anymore. I don't hate on the women there at all, get that bag 💰 it just feels dark to me personally now

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You're not wrong, it was a complete violation of your consent. It was absolutely sexual assault, even if you don't feel comfortable using the R word. And even if you wouldn't have said no at all, they still had no right to do that to you. But you did say no. Twice. Of course you "liked it." That's exactly what creepy guys say to girls when they are violating consent. That's why we define consent as an enthusiastic, verbal yes. You absolutely did not give consent, and being in a strip club doesn't change that. And then they demanded money after you after they violated you. Of course you feel used. You have every right to feel the feelings you are feeling.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@ShadowSister your comment made me emotional 🥺 thanks.
I think hearing people tell me that it was indeed wrong, makes me feel a lot better because honestly even posting this, I was still worried that people might still find ways to say it was my fault. Like people would still just think of it as a dumb stripper story & I should've known better. Or people might get mad at me for calling it "sexual assault" because it's not taken as seriously. I think that's what makes me afraid to use the "r" word. Because it's such a heavy word plus honestly I don't even like saying it in general.

All these comments have helped but yours directly addressed the way I feel about the whole thing & I appreciate that

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@ChiefJustWalks I hope you can start the healing process. Wishing you the best, my friend

CestManan · 46-50, F

What a lot of people do not know or realize is that sex workers are typically really bad news. It's not like that glorious crap that people see on TV or some high-end call girl makes thousands of dollars a night and is really good to her customers.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@CestManan yeah theres so many variations tbh.. like there are good ones who are there because they saw no options & they don't even like being there but for every one of those theres so many more who aren't as pure of heart. It's just a different world & its hard to read sometimes. Which means it can get dark quick

Ontheroad · M

Respect is the word that first comes to mind. I have to say my respect for you just hit the 100% mark. I don't have a similar story, so I can't really relate, but I am a man and that my friend, is a hard story for a man to tell. Respect brother.

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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@HannibalMontanimal I don't blame my friends for that incident. They didn't even know. But yeah I don't hang out with all the people I used to either for the same reason. I feel you 🙏

SubstantialKick · 36-40, M

Thanks for sharing, bro. It had to take a lot of courage.

assemblingaknob · 26-30, F

No means no. They should not have proceeded. As someone who freezes and goes blank in stressful situations, I understand.

DeluxedEdition · 26-30, F

I’m so sorry you experienced this and it was very brave and inspirational to tell your story

JaneDoe23 · F

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You are brave for sharing your story, much love.

Montanaman · M

😔💔🤗😔
https://similarworlds.com/experiences/3011920-Have-you-ever-got-your-picture-in-the-news-paper?com_id=53174210&ncom_id=53174287

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Montanaman that's a long read & I can't tell if it's based on an actual story but that's so sad.

I hate rapists I hope they all die

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

You definitely were sexually violated and did not deserve any of that no matter where you were and what the setting was. Then having to pay for it after they did that to you with everything you had left. I am sorry about your sister. I am sorry she went through that and you had to see it.

I was raped at 5 by a man and then raped when I was 8 by a cousin who was 14. Both times my parents did not protect me. I have a hard time with that. I have never told them. My mother is not mentally stable from the 15 years of sexual abuse she went through from the same man that violated me at 5 and I think it would kill my dad because he left me with him but he didn’t know.

Thank you for sharing this.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 I am sorry that you went through that 🥺 even when other people tell me their own experiences, I feel the same level of anger that I do with my sister's. I can't even express how fucked up it is that people have to experience that all over the world every damn day. I'm sure your dad would feel an insane amount of hurt & guilt for that because I know if I were him, I would. Even though it's not his fault.

My dad just barely found out a few years ago about what happened to my sister. I accidentally told him one night when I was super drunk & it came out & I broke down over it.

My dad did abuse us as kids but never sexually. When he heard me say it he cried too & he hugged me. Then he hugged my sister the next time he saw her again & cried more. I know he feels guilty about it, like it was his fault. He feels guilty that he never knew & he feels guilty that nobody ever trusted him enough to tell him.
We might have a rough relationship with our dad but we know he regrets the past.
I can't imagine how that feels because I'd kill for my kids

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks it’s actually so disturbing how many kids and adults experience sexual abuse. I am really sorry for what you and your sister went through.

I would kill anyone that did that to my children. Wouldn’t even think twice. I don’t let them go for sleepovers, I don’t leave them in any situation where this could happen. I am probably a bit too neurotic but I don’t even care. I won’t let it happen.

I love my dad, he had a lot to deal with having my mother as his partner. I can’t tell him. It would kill him. I am okay without him knowing. He’s proud of me for what I have accomplished despite all of the issues I have had in my lifetime. I know he would love me but I can’t hurt him that way.

Thank you for sharing your story 💕💖💞.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 yeah I imagine I'd be highly protective of my kids much the same way even though I'd try not to be too bad where I'm restricting them. That'd be a tough one so I won't know til I have kids but shit I'd kill for my siblings or my family so 🤷

I understand you not telling your dad. As long as you have your peace & everything then sparing him that pain too isn't bad. I'm glad he's proud of you 🙏 & thanks

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