Okay this might be the hardest story I ever had to write here but bear with me
I'm overthinking too much about how to tell this without being triggering, making light of the situation, just because I know its a sensitive subject & it's not light at all. I also won't be responding to comments unless I feel I have something to say of real value or important to be known. & I ask that anyone who might comment, do the same.
I don't know how to start so I'll say this. I wasn't intending to write about this because to me, it's a story that I've been embarrassed by so it was just a "no" for me.
After finally telling it to someone, they told me I was violated. The more I thought about it the more I realized it was deeper than that. Which told me that I had no reason to be so embarrassed because I did nothing wrong.
After telling my gf about it she encouraged me to talk about it or possibly even write it here. So I decided to do that.
First off I was at a strip club one night & I met up with some friends who were inviting me out. Which, to be honest, they did because I was going through a heartbreak at the time & they kept saying I needed to be around more women. Which I didn't care for but I hung out anyway just because it was better than being alone. I was doing anything to stay busy.
After being in the strip club throwing some money like people are supposed to do, I went & sat down in the corner because I wasn't into it. Just drank my beer & played on my phone. Different strippers kept walking up asking if I wanted a dance & I turned them all down but then 2 walked up & said they wanted to dance for me together.
I thought "eh, screw it I've never had a dance from 2 before so why not". So they took me away from everyone.
I won't get super descriptive here so I'll kinda brush through it. Well, they danced like usual & one of them asked me if I wanted to cum. I said no so the other one asked me same shit in a different way. I said no again. I thought they were attractive of course, but I still wasn't interested. I hardly even wanted to be there. A moment later one of them reached into my pants & both of them started taking things further too quickly. It didn't go past oral stuff but
Sorry I don't know how to finish that but you get the point. It was just really confusing to me because I didn't stop it I just let it happen & because of that I felt so ashamed of it. Then of course, it's a goddamn strip club so afterward they told me that I owe them this stupid amount of money & the amount was literally everything I had at the time. But out of guilt or I don't even know, I paid them & left.
I didn't even tell my friends that I was leaving. I just left. I never told them what happened that night because of how embarrassed I feel about it. I went straight to my mom's & I didn't tell her any details. I just told her that something happened with two women & that I felt extremely used & disappointed.
She might've understood somehow. She took me to the casino to end my night with different thoughts. I didn't even tell her I was broke.. but she gave me $100 so that I didn't spend any of my own money.
I lost some games but won some too & left with $80. That $80 got me by until my next paycheck. I didn't even tell my mom how much I needed that money but she must've knew.
Thinking about it lately made me realize that I WAS truly violated. Actually more than just "violated". I truly don't know wtf to call that but if I clearly said no & it was forced on me anyway then it doesn't matter if I stopped it or not. I did not want that.
It's a gross story to me. This whole time I felt like it was my fault. Like I encouraged it, wanted it, so I felt embarrassed by it.
Now I'm realizing for the first time how serious it is & how much that really affected me.
"It's a strip club so you should know what goes on there"
"I wish that kind of thing happened to me"
"If its a guy he probably liked it anyway".
"Don't be so sensitive he should consider himself lucky".
You hear all that shit when you see conversations about a story like this. & If theres any of those comments under this post they will be deleted.
It's not funny & I didn't write this to be a joke or a fantasy.
Theres also so many people who would say that since I was in a strip club, that I should've expected it. Because I've seen those arguments before. People think that just because we're men, we want that.
If you ask me, that type of thinking is the equivalent to "she was wearing revealing clothes so she wanted it".
Sexual assault is far more common amongst women, thats for sure. But it saddens me that with men it's not treated nearly as serious. To the point that even I didn't realize what happened to me was wrong. But when I consider that sexual assault causes people to feel powerless, ashamed, afraid to speak about it... idk how I didn't realize it sooner.
I say this very rarely but I witnessed my sister raped as a kid. I was too young to understand it back then. It took me way too long before the reality hit me & everything started making sense.
I can't say I know how she feels but nobody can tell me that my childhood wasn't destroyed at that moment. It was already rough but that was a non-recovery moment because I don't think I've ever fully gotten past that. Maybe I never will.
I always felt guilt since I could never possibly know how SHE felt. I'll spend my life being there for her. & I think thats what makes me wanna spend my life being there for anybody.
But even now, with what happened to me & all that I'm realizing.. I still feel this insane amount of guilt that women have it so much worse. I feel like calling my story "rape" is an insult to what my sister went through. Or what others went through. I feel guilty for even thinking my story qualifies as the same.
Because the memory of my sister traumatizes me way more than what happened to me.
So yeah.. I'm not writing this because I think it'll make a change. I'm not writing this to spark a conversation. I'm writing this because it's something I think I truly need to say & maybe saying it will help me to not feel so ashamed or guilty for the way I feel.
& This was very hard to write so if it was also hard to read, I am sincerely sorry. I tried to be as honest but careful as I can with the subject. There's really not an easy way to talk about it.
I don't know how to start so I'll say this. I wasn't intending to write about this because to me, it's a story that I've been embarrassed by so it was just a "no" for me.
After finally telling it to someone, they told me I was violated. The more I thought about it the more I realized it was deeper than that. Which told me that I had no reason to be so embarrassed because I did nothing wrong.
After telling my gf about it she encouraged me to talk about it or possibly even write it here. So I decided to do that.
First off I was at a strip club one night & I met up with some friends who were inviting me out. Which, to be honest, they did because I was going through a heartbreak at the time & they kept saying I needed to be around more women. Which I didn't care for but I hung out anyway just because it was better than being alone. I was doing anything to stay busy.
After being in the strip club throwing some money like people are supposed to do, I went & sat down in the corner because I wasn't into it. Just drank my beer & played on my phone. Different strippers kept walking up asking if I wanted a dance & I turned them all down but then 2 walked up & said they wanted to dance for me together.
I thought "eh, screw it I've never had a dance from 2 before so why not". So they took me away from everyone.
I won't get super descriptive here so I'll kinda brush through it. Well, they danced like usual & one of them asked me if I wanted to cum. I said no so the other one asked me same shit in a different way. I said no again. I thought they were attractive of course, but I still wasn't interested. I hardly even wanted to be there. A moment later one of them reached into my pants & both of them started taking things further too quickly. It didn't go past oral stuff but
Sorry I don't know how to finish that but you get the point. It was just really confusing to me because I didn't stop it I just let it happen & because of that I felt so ashamed of it. Then of course, it's a goddamn strip club so afterward they told me that I owe them this stupid amount of money & the amount was literally everything I had at the time. But out of guilt or I don't even know, I paid them & left.
I didn't even tell my friends that I was leaving. I just left. I never told them what happened that night because of how embarrassed I feel about it. I went straight to my mom's & I didn't tell her any details. I just told her that something happened with two women & that I felt extremely used & disappointed.
She might've understood somehow. She took me to the casino to end my night with different thoughts. I didn't even tell her I was broke.. but she gave me $100 so that I didn't spend any of my own money.
I lost some games but won some too & left with $80. That $80 got me by until my next paycheck. I didn't even tell my mom how much I needed that money but she must've knew.
Thinking about it lately made me realize that I WAS truly violated. Actually more than just "violated". I truly don't know wtf to call that but if I clearly said no & it was forced on me anyway then it doesn't matter if I stopped it or not. I did not want that.
It's a gross story to me. This whole time I felt like it was my fault. Like I encouraged it, wanted it, so I felt embarrassed by it.
Now I'm realizing for the first time how serious it is & how much that really affected me.
"It's a strip club so you should know what goes on there"
"I wish that kind of thing happened to me"
"If its a guy he probably liked it anyway".
"Don't be so sensitive he should consider himself lucky".
You hear all that shit when you see conversations about a story like this. & If theres any of those comments under this post they will be deleted.
It's not funny & I didn't write this to be a joke or a fantasy.
Theres also so many people who would say that since I was in a strip club, that I should've expected it. Because I've seen those arguments before. People think that just because we're men, we want that.
If you ask me, that type of thinking is the equivalent to "she was wearing revealing clothes so she wanted it".
Sexual assault is far more common amongst women, thats for sure. But it saddens me that with men it's not treated nearly as serious. To the point that even I didn't realize what happened to me was wrong. But when I consider that sexual assault causes people to feel powerless, ashamed, afraid to speak about it... idk how I didn't realize it sooner.
I say this very rarely but I witnessed my sister raped as a kid. I was too young to understand it back then. It took me way too long before the reality hit me & everything started making sense.
I can't say I know how she feels but nobody can tell me that my childhood wasn't destroyed at that moment. It was already rough but that was a non-recovery moment because I don't think I've ever fully gotten past that. Maybe I never will.
I always felt guilt since I could never possibly know how SHE felt. I'll spend my life being there for her. & I think thats what makes me wanna spend my life being there for anybody.
But even now, with what happened to me & all that I'm realizing.. I still feel this insane amount of guilt that women have it so much worse. I feel like calling my story "rape" is an insult to what my sister went through. Or what others went through. I feel guilty for even thinking my story qualifies as the same.
Because the memory of my sister traumatizes me way more than what happened to me.
So yeah.. I'm not writing this because I think it'll make a change. I'm not writing this to spark a conversation. I'm writing this because it's something I think I truly need to say & maybe saying it will help me to not feel so ashamed or guilty for the way I feel.
& This was very hard to write so if it was also hard to read, I am sincerely sorry. I tried to be as honest but careful as I can with the subject. There's really not an easy way to talk about it.
